I believe it stands to reason that, since God made me, He knows exactly how to get my attention; He seems to know exactly what language to use when speaking in that still small voice....for me, it is the language of music. This can be a dangerous thing, as I listen to my iPod every day on my way to work, and home again. And sometimes when God chooses to speak, His words hurts as they prick my pride and reveal my sin. Sometimes His words comfort my hurting heart, and reiterate promises He has made. Either way, it usually makes me cry....while I'm driving, IE, dangerous:)
It was the painful kind of words I heard yesterday on my way to work;I was listening to Rush of Fools, and the first, oh probably six, songs were all meant for me. I'd like to share them with you, and I hope that, for those who are listening, God's words rebuke and comfort you as they did me.
Undo:
I've been here before
Now, here I am again
Standing at the door
Praying You'll let me back in
To label me
A prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface
Of who I've been known to be
Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one
Who can undo what I've become
I focused on the score
But I could never win
Trying to ignore
A life of hiding my sin
To label me
A hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface
Of who I've been known to be
Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one
Who can undo what I've become
Make every step lead me back to
The sovereign way that You
Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
You are the only one who can undo
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become
"What I've become"...more like "what I've always been". Because of grace, I'm not a slave to my sin, but I'm still very much prone to sin. Hypocrite? Prodigal? Absolutely. I've been fighting to have my own way for months, while smiling to the world and shouting "thy will be done". As stated in my previous post, I haven't been gladly living my life Beneath the Cross of Jesus, I feel like I've been standing with my back to the cross, trying to climb down Calvary's hill. So the chorus spoke loudly and clearly.
Fame:
I have tried to follow, I have tried to lead
I have failed at everything
I have been the culprit to my selfish needs,
made everything but You my King
I couldn't be any less worthy
To spend one day much less forever with You
I raise my hands just as I am,
I'm letting go of false control
I lift my voice, I have no choice
My life is Yours, use me for Your fame, Your fame
I have not seen heaven,
I haven't seen Your face
But I've seen Your Spirit move
And Jesus it's amazing
the evidence of grace standing all around this room
I'm merely a product of mercy
The target and victim of Your perfect love
I raise my hands just as I am,
I'm letting go of false control
I lift my voice, I have no choice
My life is Yours, use me for Your fame, spreading like a flame
Let every breath proclaim glory to Your name
You can't be contained and I'll never be the same
Yeah, that false control thing...The idea of surrendering my will---again. How many times to I have to give my heart back to God before I stop trying to be in control. When am I gonna learn to trust that He knows better than I do?
Peace Be Still:
Come to me, you who are weak
Let my strength be yours tonight
Come and rest, let my love be your bed
Let my heart be yours tonight
Peace be still, Peace be still
Please be still and know that I am God
And know that I am God
Come empty cup, let me fill you up
I'll descend on you like a dove tonight
Lift your head, let your eyes fall into mine
Let your fear subside tonight
Now that small voice is speaking words of comfort, and I cry again, knowing I am unworthy of such love. But it's always been that way. He knew I would be unworthy when Jesus came to save me. Jesus died for sinners, of which I am chief. Lest I get carried away and post lyrics from the whole cd-I'll just say that the rest of the album is made up of songs about who we are, and who our God is, surrendering our will, and letting Him be God. I am encouraged and convicted every time I listen to this cd, but especially so lately, given the present state of my heart. Restoration is a process; it's hard to see my sin and realize it must change, it's harder when I see how deep-seeded it is, and how unaware I've been to it's existence. And once the sin has been confessed there's the struggle to remember that the sin has been paid for, and my standing with God is based on what Jesus has already done, not on my performance.
But yet, there has to be some growth, right? Some evidence that my heart is changing? I think this is the phase I'm stuck in...desiring God, and surrendering consistently. It's very easy for me to slip back into my former frame of mind; the "But Lord, I really want THIS instead of what You're giving me" attitude, especially with pictures of sweet newborn babies all over Facebook...In fact, just this morning I was faced with this struggle. Then I saw a Tweet from my pastor in Philadelphia, Ian McConnell: "Pile drive your temptations by telling your heart 'God is better!!" I needed to read that exactly at that moment. I'm still struggling a little to believe it. Maybe I need a Facebook hiatus 'til I do....I'll ponder that.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Grace in Conviction
So God knew what I needed this weekend-doesn't he always? Doesn't He know my heart best? Better even than I do? Yes, I think so.
So there it is:) I've always loved blue and white china, but this has significance to us-as we are both Americans. The first pieces we bought were the dinner plates with Independence Hall, and Philadelphia is the place that we long to call "home".
Sunday was one of those days. God had been working on me all week, and I was tired, drained of almost all joy. I went to the main church service instead of staying in the innercity service with John. It was communion sunday; our pastor was teaching in innercity, so our pastor/elder for music was teaching. He was so direct with what we were doing, explaining the process and purpose of communion clearly for visitors...the music was phenomenal. We sang "Jesus paid it all", "How deep the Father's love", and "Beneath the Cross" by Keith and Kristyn Getty. The last phrase of that song is "Beneath the cross of Jesus, we will gladly live our lives". And I just had to be real with God, considering what I was about to partake in. "God,I've not been gladly living my life beneath the cross...I feel like I'm standing with my back to it, trying to work my way down Calvary's hill. Bring me back to the cross, Father-bring me back to the gospel!" And God knows, and understands my struggle. As my friend Joybeth McCarnan reminded me, "he made me, he knows I am just dust. He knows I'm going to question him."
I claimed the blood of Jesus to wash away my fear and doubt and sin. Pastor Coleman read from Galatians 2:15-3:15. He taught from the first five verses of Galatians three. The Galatians were being given a hard time from the religious leaders, who were telling them that faith in the gospel wasn't enough, that they had to be circumcised. And Paul asks a couple of rhetorical questions, namely " Were you saved by hearing and faith or by works of the law?? If you were saved by hearing and faith, what's helping you continue? The truth of the gospel, or works of the law?" Pastor Coleman reminded us that we never move on from the gospel; it saved us(justification), and is saving us(sanctification), and will save us(glorification). He also cautioned us against adding to the gospel. We were save by grace alone, through faith alone, because of the life giving work of Jesus alone.
I don't think that I have any issues with adding to the gospel;lately I just haven't had (or made) the time or energy to dwell on anything. I get up and exercise because it's good for me, I go to work and come home to eat, spend some time with John and go to bed. I'm existing.
I know all the right things to say to make people think I'm doing well, that I'm trusting and content...I'm not. The "longing for Jesus and delighting in the gospel" part of my life is missing.
Am I being too real? I'm not intending to make anyone uncomfortable..well, yes actually-I am. I may not have it all wrapped up, but neither am I so prideful as to think I'm the only one who feels this way. So what do we do? We claim his promises.
Tenth Avenue North:By Your Side
Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face,
Just don't turn away.
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run,
To where will you run?
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
Jesus, lover of my soul, break my stubborn heart, and draw me close. You promise that when I seek you with my whole heart, I will find you. I know what you have done, and I believe-Lord, help my unbelief. Teach me to be content in this situation you have me in. You word says that your plans for me are meant for my good and for your glory. When it is time, please show me the good, until then , help me trust the one who knows all things....
Sovereign Grace:Behold Our God
Who has held the oceans in His hand
Who has numbered every grain of sand
Kings and nations tremble at His voice
All creation rises to rejoice
CHORUS
Behold our God seated on His throne
Come let us adore Him
Behold our King nothing can compare
Come let us adore Him!
Who has given counsel to the Lord
Who can question any of His Words
Who can teach the One who knows all things
Who can fathom all His wondrous deeds
Who has felt the nails upon His hands
Bearing all the guilt of sinful man
God eternal humbled to the grave
Jesus, Savior risen now to reign!
You will reign forever!
Let Your glory fill the earth
I had a wonderful saturday with my husband, talking through some things, but mostly just enjoying time together. We found our "fine china" pattern. It's called Liberty Blue by Staffordshire. It was created by an English company for America's bicentennial celebration.... I think it's hilarious. We started by buying 12 plates, and thought we'd add little by little. Well, my funny husband googled
it and found a 61 peice set on ebay for a decent price, so we offered less than the posted price, and the seller accepted it. HA! And since then he's found a bunch of other pieces, like platter, vegetable bowl, pitcher, salt n' pepper shakers, and gravy boat with stand. and he just won a bid war on a creamer to match the sugar bowl we're hoping to buy at an antique store nearby. I though it would be one of those things that we would add to here and there, but he got so excited with the items we found...he likes to buy me things:) Here are a few pictures of some of the things we're getting:
it and found a 61 peice set on ebay for a decent price, so we offered less than the posted price, and the seller accepted it. HA! And since then he's found a bunch of other pieces, like platter, vegetable bowl, pitcher, salt n' pepper shakers, and gravy boat with stand. and he just won a bid war on a creamer to match the sugar bowl we're hoping to buy at an antique store nearby. I though it would be one of those things that we would add to here and there, but he got so excited with the items we found...he likes to buy me things:) Here are a few pictures of some of the things we're getting:
This is the Minutemen's Call to Arms platter.
Betsy Ross fruit bowls
The dinner plate is nearly my favorite: Independance Hall in Philadelphia:)
The gravy boat: Lafayette's Landing at West Point
The stand: Governer's house at Williamsburg
There's the creamer that John won in a bidding war, and the sugar bowl I hope to buy tomorrow.
The teapot will come later, it's one of the more expensive and sought-after items.
So there it is:) I've always loved blue and white china, but this has significance to us-as we are both Americans. The first pieces we bought were the dinner plates with Independence Hall, and Philadelphia is the place that we long to call "home".
Sunday was one of those days. God had been working on me all week, and I was tired, drained of almost all joy. I went to the main church service instead of staying in the innercity service with John. It was communion sunday; our pastor was teaching in innercity, so our pastor/elder for music was teaching. He was so direct with what we were doing, explaining the process and purpose of communion clearly for visitors...the music was phenomenal. We sang "Jesus paid it all", "How deep the Father's love", and "Beneath the Cross" by Keith and Kristyn Getty. The last phrase of that song is "Beneath the cross of Jesus, we will gladly live our lives". And I just had to be real with God, considering what I was about to partake in. "God,I've not been gladly living my life beneath the cross...I feel like I'm standing with my back to it, trying to work my way down Calvary's hill. Bring me back to the cross, Father-bring me back to the gospel!" And God knows, and understands my struggle. As my friend Joybeth McCarnan reminded me, "he made me, he knows I am just dust. He knows I'm going to question him."
I claimed the blood of Jesus to wash away my fear and doubt and sin. Pastor Coleman read from Galatians 2:15-3:15. He taught from the first five verses of Galatians three. The Galatians were being given a hard time from the religious leaders, who were telling them that faith in the gospel wasn't enough, that they had to be circumcised. And Paul asks a couple of rhetorical questions, namely " Were you saved by hearing and faith or by works of the law?? If you were saved by hearing and faith, what's helping you continue? The truth of the gospel, or works of the law?" Pastor Coleman reminded us that we never move on from the gospel; it saved us(justification), and is saving us(sanctification), and will save us(glorification). He also cautioned us against adding to the gospel. We were save by grace alone, through faith alone, because of the life giving work of Jesus alone.
I don't think that I have any issues with adding to the gospel;lately I just haven't had (or made) the time or energy to dwell on anything. I get up and exercise because it's good for me, I go to work and come home to eat, spend some time with John and go to bed. I'm existing.
I know all the right things to say to make people think I'm doing well, that I'm trusting and content...I'm not. The "longing for Jesus and delighting in the gospel" part of my life is missing.
Am I being too real? I'm not intending to make anyone uncomfortable..well, yes actually-I am. I may not have it all wrapped up, but neither am I so prideful as to think I'm the only one who feels this way. So what do we do? We claim his promises.
Tenth Avenue North:By Your Side
Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face,
Just don't turn away.
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run,
To where will you run?
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
Jesus, lover of my soul, break my stubborn heart, and draw me close. You promise that when I seek you with my whole heart, I will find you. I know what you have done, and I believe-Lord, help my unbelief. Teach me to be content in this situation you have me in. You word says that your plans for me are meant for my good and for your glory. When it is time, please show me the good, until then , help me trust the one who knows all things....
Sovereign Grace:Behold Our God
Who has held the oceans in His hand
Who has numbered every grain of sand
Kings and nations tremble at His voice
All creation rises to rejoice
CHORUS
Behold our God seated on His throne
Come let us adore Him
Behold our King nothing can compare
Come let us adore Him!
Who has given counsel to the Lord
Who can question any of His Words
Who can teach the One who knows all things
Who can fathom all His wondrous deeds
Who has felt the nails upon His hands
Bearing all the guilt of sinful man
God eternal humbled to the grave
Jesus, Savior risen now to reign!
You will reign forever!
Let Your glory fill the earth
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