Why a change of title? Because I can. I like change. I love to clean and get rid of old things and organize. Including my thoughts. God has been teaching me, and I thought I'd share a peek, a snapshot, or "vignette" with you.

So it's been over six months that John and I have been married. I've learned a lot more about grace these last few weeks than I ever thought I needed to learn.
John is back in grad school, taking classes two nights a week, and one class that meets every third Thursday. He is also tutoring two nights a week, plus LifeGroup in our home on Tuesday night.
My brother moved in with us a couple of weeks ago with his white Husky/Chow dog, Brian. Brian is a wonderful dog;mellow, sweet and obedient. But he is white...and I have fuzzy chocolate brown couches, and laminate flooring. I feel like I'm constantly vacuuming and/or dustmopping. Having Randy here has been great, I knew it would be. He's always been one of my closest friends, and he and my husband get along very well.

Work at LevelOne has been the biggest cause of growth in my life these last few weeks. January hit with a busy leasing season, so my hours went back to crazy. I was being scheduled for almost 40 hours a week, and was back to the 3-midnight shift. During the week wasn't too bad, but Friday and Saturday nights are the only nights John doesn't have class or tutoring, and those days I haven't been seeing him at all. It's been proven that something about computer screens messes with the levels of melatonin in the brain. So after working 8 late hours, and needing an hour or so to unwind, getting up for church on Sunday mornings has been really tough. Furthermore, I'm starting to wonder how much longer my body can handle the stress of this job. How much longer before it shuts down again? Fear has definitely been a consistent addition to exhaustion and frustration.

John had Presidents' Day off from school, so I tried to trade away my hours, and requested it off, so that I could rest, clean, spend time with my husband, etc. I got up Monday morning to find that I still had to work...all day. I was so upset. This was possibly my first spiritual temper tantrum. I was so angry at God; I know he's all powerful, I've seen what He can do! So why could He not let me have this day with my husband? I fumed all the way to work, cried when I got there, and cried through my first 3 phone calls. I didn't ever ask for grace to make it through that long day. I didn't want it, I didn't ask for it, I certainly didn't deserve it.

But He gave it to me anyway.

Isn't that so kind? Isn't that so like God? Kind of like Ephesians 2. I was dead in sin, doing exactly what my corrupt nature told me to do. But God...God was rich in mercy. He made me new. He showed me Jesus, and gave me understanding as to what Jesus had done. I didn't want it, I didn't ask for it, I certainly didn't deserve it.

But He gave it to me anyway.

I am humbled. Repentant.Thankful. Ready to be made more like Jesus.
Brother Josh McCarnan led our LifeGroup this last week so John could study for a ginormous Abstract Algebra test on Wednesday. We were discussing Pastor Conley's teaching of Matthew 14, where Jesus walks on water. We reviewed what we discussed last week; the disciples just having seen Jesus feed 25,000+ people, still did not see Jesus for who he was. They saw a man who could meet their material needs. So Jesus sends them out in a boat, sends the crowd away and retreats to spend time in prayer with the Father. Then this storm comes; the disciples fight for their lives in this storm for nine hours. Nine hours! Skip ahead, past Peter walking on the water, to the part where Jesus climbs into the boat.....

The storm immediately stops. The disciples response; "Truly, you are the Son of God" *Insert angelic voices*
They finally got it! That was the whole point; Jesus brought them through the storm of fear and frustration and into the calm of faith and worship. The point of the storm was to bring them to the point of seeing Jesus for who he is. That is worship. To acknowledge God for who He is.

So the purpose of my "storms"....To show me who my God is. To bring me to faith and worship. To make me more like Jesus. And I'm so thankful that God is more faithful than I am. I'm faithful sometimes. I'm faithful (almost always) when life is easy. I'm faithful (a lot of the time) when things are hard. But like every sinner, I get to a point where I freak out and think it's time to take back control of the situation. But as soon as Jesus "steps into the boat", my storm is over.

So Jesus, can you please quit walking on water?? I know it's really cool and all, but I just need you to stay by my side. All of the time. I need you to be in control all of the time, 'kay??
"If you can calm the sea, then you can comfort me
If winds obey your voice, why should I fear their noise?
And though my eyes can't see,
I know you're with me.
Peace, you give me peace
when the storms come and I'm afraid
Peace, you give me peace
when I trust in the words you say.
You give me peace"

I think this is where my difficulty lies. It's hard to trust the words he's said, if I don't know what he's said. It's tough to claim promises if I haven't read them, meditated on them, rejoiced in them.

The beginning of "Beyond"

Well. After a few more crazy changes, we had an amazing wedding. I was possibly the least stressed out bride I have ever heard of. My Momma was amazing, she took care of all the weird little details, and Momma Brown kept her sane. I was able to focus on getting my home ready, and pack for my honeymoon.
The Poconos were great-awesome weather! We were able to spend a day in Hershey, PA and a day and a half or so in Philly. Morning shopping in Reading Terminal included Old City Coffee, candy from an Amish candy shop, and five 8x10 prints of Center City for the entryway of our home.
Back to real life for a rude awakening on Tuesday morning August 11th. My pulmonary appointment involved pulmonary function tests, and waiting for nearly 3 hours to see the pulmonologist. After all of that, he told me that my lungs were functioning at less than 40%. He wanted to increase my Imuran ( the immune suppressant) and add a steroid to reduce the inflammation that was causing the scarring in my lungs. He proceeded to tell me that if the medication didn't make some kind of improvement in a few months' time, they would proceed to put me in touch with the Lung Transplant Center. I'm not sure how I processed all of that without crying. I was alone in the doctor's office,and his "bedside manner" left something to be desired.At that moment, my thoughts started racing, and didn't stop for days. My first thought was to call my Daddy, but I knew that if I called him, I would cry for sure. Being newly married, I felt it was probably necessary to talk to my husband first.
I thought of Lynette Chevalier all the way home. I cried most of the way there, and for a good while afterwards. This was not what I had planned for the first week home from my honeymoon. I did not plan to deal with issues like these-ever, much less the first year of our marriage. Truly it was a test of my faith in God's sovereignty. It's an ongoing test, that I'm not sure I'm passing. Why God is asking us to go through these trials? I'm not entirely sure how He's going to use this for my benefit, but as I've told a friend of mine-God has given us unique opportunities to see Him work. He's got a totally different plan for her and I. John and I aren't dealing with petty issues, or fighting over silly quirks. We're facing a very uncertain future, and potentially huge financial strain. It certainly makes little everyday annoyances look like laughing matter. Fortunately, neither of us are absorbed with selfish little things, nor do we hold on to things, letting them build til one of us blows up. God has been kind in that regard. And I don't mean to infer that He is UNkind to put us through this test, but I sure don't like it. He is kind to give me grace to handle it, but I would rather not need so much grace-and that's just pure honesty.
I waited til John got home from work to talk to him. We laid on our bed and cried together for a while, and then we prayed. He prayed that God would give us the strength to walk to path He has laid out for us, and I prayed that He would give me grace to walk it with joy. I want people to look at my response and see Christ. Some days the joy is hard to find, those are the days I vacillate between questioning God's sovereignty and kindness, and berating myself for thinking such things.
I got to talk to my Daddy finally, on our way to Life Group that night. I cried....just hearing his voice, and listening to him care for my spirit...I cried a lot. My heart is always encouraged to talk with him about stuff like this, and to have him reassure me that, no matter what, he will be there, and he will be lifting me up in prayer.
It took a few minutes for me to calm myself enough to walk into Peter's house for Life Group.I hadn't necessarily wanted to be around people, but I NEEDED to be cared for. I needed to be with these loved ones. The music Ethan had chosen, and the passages we read were like a soothing salve for my burning, achy soul. John and I were in tears again within minutes. We took an opportunity to share with our group what we had learned and receive prayer and encouragement from our beloved brothers and sisters. I'm not sure they will ever know how much they blessed us that night-even as we stayed til the wee hours with Brianne, talking through things that she was dealing with. To be able to reciprocate the care we had received was so sweet.
So what now? I don't know really. I don't feel any different, but the increased dosage of medication makes me a bit more easily fatigued. I start training at Level One on Monday, Sept. 27th. I pray God gives me the strength to put in the hours required. I lost full sponsorship,as John makes too much money for me to be fully covered. So I'm down to 75%, which is still a blessing, but also rather expensive. God allowed us to sell John's motorcycle, and we received and excess in financial aid from John's masters program. So we will have about $3500 in savings for medical purposes....Sounds good, but that will be used up quickly. So we pray. We trust God to provide, and we pray that the medicine works, so I don't have to have a lung transplant at the age of 23.
And still I struggle with being content. I don't want to plan a family right now, but it bothers me to not know if my body will ever be able to handle it. It bothers me to not know when we can start planning to have a family. Who knows how long I'll have to be on some of these medications? Who knows what my next battery of pulmonary tests will reveal? God knows, and that should bring me comfort, right? Well, I'll be honest.....it usually doesn't. So until He reveals the next step, I will preach truth furiously to myself. I will sing truth, and read truth, and seek to hear truth from others, and ask for faith to believe truth.
"God's purposes will ripen fast, unfolding every hour;
the bud may have a bitter taste, but sweet will be the flow'r"