It's been almost a year since I was hospitalized for Pericarditis. And in this last year, I've remained mostly healthy. That, to me, is a large dose of grace.
Brief review: I have a disease that causes my immune system to attack the soft tissues in my body. It has caused many complications to every day living; from pain and stiffness in my joints and blue fingers, to scarring in my lungs and stress on my heart, resulting in said Pericarditis. I've also had Shingles, 3 kidney stones, and acid reflux for the last 7 years or so.
I recall August 8th or so...the day I went to the pulmonolgist and he told me I would most likely need a lung transplant in the next year. That was one of the toughest days I ever had. And God gave abundant grace that day too.
I was talking with my sister-in-law Lucy the other day; Lucy is an internal physician, and she got the first ball rolling in getting me treatment and sponsorship upon moving back to Greenville from Philly in August of 2008. Lucy is pregnant with their first child, she has almost 7 weeks left, I think... She asked me what I was planning as far as "family/children" were concerned. So I told her that I had talked with my rheumatologist about it, and she wasn't very enthusiastic about the idea. So Lucy asked if it would change my mind if the doctors said that it would be dangerous. I laughed, and said no. Then I got real serious and told her, "Luce, I've wanted to be a momma since I was a child myself. I wanted to be just like my momma. That's all I've ever wanted, my life's ambitions, as it were."
You see, I serve a God that is Sovereign. He is known as the Great Physician, and He knows all things. He controls whether or not my body could handle carrying a child, and He has the power to heal my body completely ( Anytime, Father! ).
I'm fairly certain that for me, any pregnancy would be high risk, but I am ENTIRELY certain that God is bigger than my diagnosis.
Lucy asked me what I would do if they told me that a pregnancy would kill me...."I'd tell them I wanted a second and third opinion", and then I'd leave it in the hands of the One who knows all my days. I nearly weep as I type this; knowing how difficult that would be to hear, and knowing my own heart, how I would struggle to truly respond this way. But God will give grace if I ever hear those words.
I know that it seems I am rambling, but it all does have a point, I promise:)
Tonight in Life Group, Josh McCarnan was testifying what God had been doing in heart through a physical trial his son CJ had gone through the week before, and through Pastor Conley's teaching in Genesis 32, where Jacob wrestles with God. He explained that Pastor Conley drew out the parallel, between Jacob wrestling to get AWAY from God, and then turning to wrestle to cling TO God. He said that he felt similarly, wrestling with the reasoning behind God giving CJ this trial to deal with, and wrestling for peace to trust God's wisdom in it. And I know exactly where he's coming from, maybe even more acutely.
God allowed me to have this disease. God alone has the power to heal me. There is no cure, or consistently effective treatment for Scleroderma. But He hasn't.....
This is the "mat" upon which I wrestle. What's the purpose of this? Could you not teach me these lessons some other way? In a way that won't jeopardize my life, or the dreams I've held since I was a child? Or maybe that's the point. Maybe it is to point out the things that I hold onto too tightly. The things, or ideas that I love more than Jesus.
I don't doubt that God gave me the desire to be a mother. And it's a good thing, but do I want it more than I want fellowship with Jesus. Honestly...yes. I spend more time thinking about being a momma, than I do in the Word---by far! So where am I seeking satisfaction and joy? Not in Jesus, who alone can give it...
I have some changes for God to make. In the meantime, I've been mostly healthy for almost a year. And I'm really thankful. Sometimes, I lay in bed just thanking God for another day that my body worked the way it was supposed to. I thank him almost DAILY for Prilosec, and regardless of the fact that I'm on an immune suppressant, I've only gotten sick twice in the last year. Both times, I got better without having to go on an antibiotic. That's a HUGE deal. I still have most of my hair, and I've managed to get back up to a healthy 130-ish pounds, and stay there for almost a year.
Maybe these changes will begin with God reminding me of his goodness to me on a daily basis-and me rejoicing in it! I think it's a good start anyway.
...Complete in Thee-Each want supplied,
And no good thing to me denied;
Since Thou my portion, Lord, will be,
I ask no more, complete in Thee.
Yea, justified! Oh blessed thought!
And sanctified! Salvation wrought!
Thy blood hath pardon bought for me,
And glorified, I too shall be!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Grace for New Things.
Well..I got a job at St Francis:) Not the job I interviewed for; this one is "part-time" status, but I can get up to forty hours if I want them. It's a second shift position 1 pm-7 or 8 pm. By May or June, they are expecting to need another first shift person on first shift. So maybe by then, I'll know the computer system and be comfortable enough with the processes to move to first shift. Weekends and holidays off. Thank you Lord:)
My physical is scheduled for tomorrow, and orientation is March 28th. I quit LevelOne promptly upon my call from my interviewing supervisor....well, I worked my 3 hour shift for that day, and then quit. I had planned to give two weeks' notice, but they've been jerking me around with my schedule for the last 2 months, so John told me to just be done.
Today I went to the Dermatologist to get this rash checked out. It started on my stomach where my shingles scarring is, so that had me kind of worried. But it didn't hurt like shingles, and wasn't always itchy. So it has spread up onto my chest and on my back and both arms as well. The dermatologist said it's most likely an allergic reaction to detergent or something. Reactions in the skin that develop like that commonly appear in an area where the skin has been injured or damaged before. Either that or a particular kind of rash that is relatively common in a lot of people. A once in a lifetime kind of rash, that goes away on it's own.
So it's not shingles, and is not a flareup of my Scleroderma...Thank You Lord:) I hope to have it gone, with the cream he prescribed, before I start the new job. In the meantime, I'm enjoying my days at home:) Someday, I will really enjoying being a full-time domestic engineer.
John and I are excited for Spring Break, hoping to visit our Philly family, provided I can get that time off from this new job. The routine of daily life is starting to wear on John, between work, and classes, and tutoring. This time of year wears him down as things begin to bloom in Greenville. He's congested and head-achy, unable to focus, kind of groggy. We're looking forward to a break from the daily routines next Sunday, when we go to The Biltmore House with James and Angie. Good times with good friends..... I'll try to post pictures:)
My physical is scheduled for tomorrow, and orientation is March 28th. I quit LevelOne promptly upon my call from my interviewing supervisor....well, I worked my 3 hour shift for that day, and then quit. I had planned to give two weeks' notice, but they've been jerking me around with my schedule for the last 2 months, so John told me to just be done.
Today I went to the Dermatologist to get this rash checked out. It started on my stomach where my shingles scarring is, so that had me kind of worried. But it didn't hurt like shingles, and wasn't always itchy. So it has spread up onto my chest and on my back and both arms as well. The dermatologist said it's most likely an allergic reaction to detergent or something. Reactions in the skin that develop like that commonly appear in an area where the skin has been injured or damaged before. Either that or a particular kind of rash that is relatively common in a lot of people. A once in a lifetime kind of rash, that goes away on it's own.
So it's not shingles, and is not a flareup of my Scleroderma...Thank You Lord:) I hope to have it gone, with the cream he prescribed, before I start the new job. In the meantime, I'm enjoying my days at home:) Someday, I will really enjoying being a full-time domestic engineer.
John and I are excited for Spring Break, hoping to visit our Philly family, provided I can get that time off from this new job. The routine of daily life is starting to wear on John, between work, and classes, and tutoring. This time of year wears him down as things begin to bloom in Greenville. He's congested and head-achy, unable to focus, kind of groggy. We're looking forward to a break from the daily routines next Sunday, when we go to The Biltmore House with James and Angie. Good times with good friends..... I'll try to post pictures:)
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Grace for Contentment
Yesterday I had an interview at St Francis hospital. I had applied for a position in patient registration, via the internet after hearing about the job from Tammy Jacobs several weeks ago. I've been waiting and praying for a couple weeks now; waiting for the job to post, and praying that I would get it.
When Barbara called me, I was so excited, and set an appointment for that morning. I sent out mass text messages telling my friends that I was on my way to an interview, asking them to pray.
And you know what?
I got a text back from every single person ( except Daddy and Randy, who were working on a roof ) saying that they were praying. At that moment, my heart was overwhelmed with these friends -these good gifts- that God has given me. To have brothers and sisters who can boldly approach the throne of grace on my behalf, who willingly do so because they love me.
And why?
Not because of who I am, or what I have done for them, but because of who Jesus is, and what He has changed in me. Because of what he has done and change in them
And how?
Like I said, boldly. Because of what Jesus did for us on the cross. When we come before the throne, our Father sees the righteousness of Jesus. WOW.
So that was a sweet thing to ponder. The God who sent Jesus to save me, when I didn't want him to, was the same God who would be in control of this interview.
My brother-in-law Jamey called me to let me know about the terrible parking accommodations at St. Francis, to be sure I left in enough time to find a place. Barbara was very nice-a northerner, no less:) As she described the position and the hours, and what was expected, I got a little excited. Apparently since St. Francis is a faith based program, they are required to have a "staff devotions" kind of time every day. As she told me this, I prayed " Oh Lord, I REALLY would love to work here!"
All in all, it sounds similar to LevelOne, getting accurate information from frazzled distracted people, and helping them get to where they need to be.But it's face-to-face. And the pay is much better... and the hours are the same every day...and I have weekends off. Barbara seemed satisfied with the answers I gave her questions; like, diffusing co-worker conflict by maintaining a spirit of humility. Serving them in love, just as I would the patients coming in the door. I think that I'm laid back enough to get along with just about anybody. But I'm also a people-pleaser. I will change whatever may be necessary to create a peaceful and productive work environment. So Barbara asked me to come back this next Wednesday to meet and interview with my potential co-worker. She's going through a list of 30 or so applicants for the second interview as well. Awesome....a personality contest. not intimidating at all.....and then I remember who's in control of this situation. But every time I think of this job, I ask God for two things: 1)to either bless me with this job or 2) give me contentment in the job I have.
I'm writing this post in the midst of talking Brian and basketball with Randy...so I've lost train of thought and I think I'm done for tonight. That's ok though, I'm purty tired...
Birthday lunch with Momma tomorrow-her's, not mine. That'll be pretty sweet, I really enjoy spending time with my momma. She's one of my best friends; besides my husband, I'd say she's tied for second with Randy:)
When Barbara called me, I was so excited, and set an appointment for that morning. I sent out mass text messages telling my friends that I was on my way to an interview, asking them to pray.
And you know what?
I got a text back from every single person ( except Daddy and Randy, who were working on a roof ) saying that they were praying. At that moment, my heart was overwhelmed with these friends -these good gifts- that God has given me. To have brothers and sisters who can boldly approach the throne of grace on my behalf, who willingly do so because they love me.
And why?
Not because of who I am, or what I have done for them, but because of who Jesus is, and what He has changed in me. Because of what he has done and change in them
And how?
Like I said, boldly. Because of what Jesus did for us on the cross. When we come before the throne, our Father sees the righteousness of Jesus. WOW.
So that was a sweet thing to ponder. The God who sent Jesus to save me, when I didn't want him to, was the same God who would be in control of this interview.
My brother-in-law Jamey called me to let me know about the terrible parking accommodations at St. Francis, to be sure I left in enough time to find a place. Barbara was very nice-a northerner, no less:) As she described the position and the hours, and what was expected, I got a little excited. Apparently since St. Francis is a faith based program, they are required to have a "staff devotions" kind of time every day. As she told me this, I prayed " Oh Lord, I REALLY would love to work here!"
All in all, it sounds similar to LevelOne, getting accurate information from frazzled distracted people, and helping them get to where they need to be.But it's face-to-face. And the pay is much better... and the hours are the same every day...and I have weekends off. Barbara seemed satisfied with the answers I gave her questions; like, diffusing co-worker conflict by maintaining a spirit of humility. Serving them in love, just as I would the patients coming in the door. I think that I'm laid back enough to get along with just about anybody. But I'm also a people-pleaser. I will change whatever may be necessary to create a peaceful and productive work environment. So Barbara asked me to come back this next Wednesday to meet and interview with my potential co-worker. She's going through a list of 30 or so applicants for the second interview as well. Awesome....a personality contest. not intimidating at all.....and then I remember who's in control of this situation. But every time I think of this job, I ask God for two things: 1)to either bless me with this job or 2) give me contentment in the job I have.
I'm writing this post in the midst of talking Brian and basketball with Randy...so I've lost train of thought and I think I'm done for tonight. That's ok though, I'm purty tired...
Birthday lunch with Momma tomorrow-her's, not mine. That'll be pretty sweet, I really enjoy spending time with my momma. She's one of my best friends; besides my husband, I'd say she's tied for second with Randy:)
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
"Sick as a dog"
My brother Randy moved in with us some number of weeks ago, and with him came Brian. Brian is a white Husky/Chow mix with one eye that is icy blue, and another that is half icy blue, half brown. He is a beatiful dog. He is sweet and obedient, mellow and friendly. I've heard him bark a grand total of three times, and he never licks my face. His fur is the bane of my existence. Maybe someday, I will chill out enough to not vacuum my couch before I sit on it, but today is not that day.
Yesterday, my husband got up at his normal early hour ( 5:15 am ) for P90X, also referred to as Satan's workout. He came in shortly before he left to inform me that Brian "had the squirts" and he and Randy were unable to do P90X because Brian needed a bath. He told me that he was going to take Brian out again before he left, and that I should keep an eye on him that day.
He came back just a minute later, completely distraught and apologetic. He stated that he "did not have time for this" and that Brian had thrown up just inside the door of Randy's room. His watch battery was dead, there was another puddle infront of our sliding glass door, and he was running late for work.
I laughed and told him I would take care of it; he apologized again, and hurriedly left for work. A minute later I heard four slow heavy knocks at the door. I giggled, got out of bed, and went to the door. As I opened it, I just gave him a look. His shoulders were slumped and he told me he forgot his keys. I laughed and let him in, and he whined a little that he couldn't get out of his own way. So I kissed my poor husband and sent him to work....and went back to bed for another 20 minutes to wrap my brain around cleaning up doggy puke.
We had determined that the most likely reason for his digestive issues was the wet dog food Randy treated him to on Friday before they went to Charlotte for the weekend. So I called my mother-in-law to ask what I should do. After talking with her, I got up and threw on a sweatshirt, put my dirty hair up and went out. I went to: the bank, to put $2,000 on the principal of our car loan;Wal-mart to pick up pepto tablets, body wash, protein powder, and the popular-in-our-home drink mix; BiLo to get ground beef to feed the dog and make chili;Aldi to get yogurt,eggs, rice,milk and cereal; and to Spinx, to redeem my BiLo fuel perks that were going to expire.I saved ten cents per gallon on gas that was priced at $3.05 per gallon. OUCH!
Hurry home to cook up rice and beef, and find a way to get Brian to eat the Pepto tablet. Solution:Peanut Butter. He had no trouble eating the cooked beef and rice. Cleaned up the doggy puke, washed my hands and bagged up the rest of the beef, emptied and reloaded the dishwasher, while swtiching loads of laundy. Then look at a clock and realize I don't have time to shower, as it's 11:20 and I have to leave for work in ten minutes. Just enough time to take meds and eat breakfast!
Three hours later, I was on my way home from a particularly yucky shift-Thank you Lord, that it was only three hours. More cleaning, spending time with Brian,fooling with my blog. Randy came home bearing flowers and chocolate, as a thank-you for dealing with his pup. I had discovered bits of foil wrapper among the stomach fluids I cleaned up, and realized, he also must have gotten some chocolate. Brian was in rough shape yesterday! He loves attention,he will sit at my feet, and will follow me around the house. Not yesterday...He laid on his blanket, and didn't move for hours-not even when I left the room. Randy came home, and his tail flopped and his ears perked up, but he didn't get up. Very strange....Brian knows his boy. He loves people, but Randy is the center of his world. When Randy comes home, nobody else exists for him. On the nights that Randy is late, he gets antsy and paces, listening for Randy's car. When Randy walks in his whole body skaes with excitement, and he doesn't let Randy out of his sight for the rest of the evening. So for him to not move when Randy came in was very strange, indeed. Poor pup.
As much as I am NOT a dog person, I do like this dog. And I have compassion for this one. If I had to have any dog here, I'm glad it's Brian. Now I have to get off the computer and vacuum my couch..and clean my floors....*sigh.
Yesterday, my husband got up at his normal early hour ( 5:15 am ) for P90X, also referred to as Satan's workout. He came in shortly before he left to inform me that Brian "had the squirts" and he and Randy were unable to do P90X because Brian needed a bath. He told me that he was going to take Brian out again before he left, and that I should keep an eye on him that day.
He came back just a minute later, completely distraught and apologetic. He stated that he "did not have time for this" and that Brian had thrown up just inside the door of Randy's room. His watch battery was dead, there was another puddle infront of our sliding glass door, and he was running late for work.
I laughed and told him I would take care of it; he apologized again, and hurriedly left for work. A minute later I heard four slow heavy knocks at the door. I giggled, got out of bed, and went to the door. As I opened it, I just gave him a look. His shoulders were slumped and he told me he forgot his keys. I laughed and let him in, and he whined a little that he couldn't get out of his own way. So I kissed my poor husband and sent him to work....and went back to bed for another 20 minutes to wrap my brain around cleaning up doggy puke.
We had determined that the most likely reason for his digestive issues was the wet dog food Randy treated him to on Friday before they went to Charlotte for the weekend. So I called my mother-in-law to ask what I should do. After talking with her, I got up and threw on a sweatshirt, put my dirty hair up and went out. I went to: the bank, to put $2,000 on the principal of our car loan;Wal-mart to pick up pepto tablets, body wash, protein powder, and the popular-in-our-home drink mix; BiLo to get ground beef to feed the dog and make chili;Aldi to get yogurt,eggs, rice,milk and cereal; and to Spinx, to redeem my BiLo fuel perks that were going to expire.I saved ten cents per gallon on gas that was priced at $3.05 per gallon. OUCH!
Hurry home to cook up rice and beef, and find a way to get Brian to eat the Pepto tablet. Solution:Peanut Butter. He had no trouble eating the cooked beef and rice. Cleaned up the doggy puke, washed my hands and bagged up the rest of the beef, emptied and reloaded the dishwasher, while swtiching loads of laundy. Then look at a clock and realize I don't have time to shower, as it's 11:20 and I have to leave for work in ten minutes. Just enough time to take meds and eat breakfast!
Three hours later, I was on my way home from a particularly yucky shift-Thank you Lord, that it was only three hours. More cleaning, spending time with Brian,fooling with my blog. Randy came home bearing flowers and chocolate, as a thank-you for dealing with his pup. I had discovered bits of foil wrapper among the stomach fluids I cleaned up, and realized, he also must have gotten some chocolate. Brian was in rough shape yesterday! He loves attention,he will sit at my feet, and will follow me around the house. Not yesterday...He laid on his blanket, and didn't move for hours-not even when I left the room. Randy came home, and his tail flopped and his ears perked up, but he didn't get up. Very strange....Brian knows his boy. He loves people, but Randy is the center of his world. When Randy comes home, nobody else exists for him. On the nights that Randy is late, he gets antsy and paces, listening for Randy's car. When Randy walks in his whole body skaes with excitement, and he doesn't let Randy out of his sight for the rest of the evening. So for him to not move when Randy came in was very strange, indeed. Poor pup.
As much as I am NOT a dog person, I do like this dog. And I have compassion for this one. If I had to have any dog here, I'm glad it's Brian. Now I have to get off the computer and vacuum my couch..and clean my floors....*sigh.
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