Grace in health

It's been almost a year since I was hospitalized for Pericarditis. And in this last year, I've remained mostly healthy. That, to me, is a large dose of grace.

Brief review: I have a disease that causes my immune system to attack the soft tissues in my body. It has caused many complications to every day living; from pain and stiffness in my joints and blue fingers, to scarring in my lungs and stress on my heart, resulting in said Pericarditis. I've also had Shingles, 3 kidney stones, and acid reflux for the last 7 years or so.

I recall August 8th or so...the day I went to the pulmonolgist and he told me I would most likely need a lung transplant in the next year. That was one of the toughest days I ever had. And God gave abundant grace that day too.

I was talking with my sister-in-law Lucy the other day; Lucy is an internal physician, and she got the first ball rolling in getting me treatment and sponsorship upon moving back to Greenville from Philly in August of 2008. Lucy is pregnant with their first child, she has almost 7 weeks left, I think... She asked me what I was planning as far as "family/children" were concerned. So I told her that I had talked with my rheumatologist about it, and she wasn't very enthusiastic about the idea. So Lucy asked if it would change my mind if the doctors said that it would be dangerous. I laughed, and said no. Then I got real serious and told her, "Luce, I've wanted to be a momma since I was a child myself. I wanted to be just like my momma. That's all I've ever wanted, my life's ambitions, as it were."

You see, I serve a God that is Sovereign. He is known as the Great Physician, and He knows all things. He controls whether or not my body could handle carrying a child, and He has the power to heal my body completely ( Anytime, Father! ).

I'm fairly certain that for me, any pregnancy would be high risk, but I am ENTIRELY certain that God is bigger than my diagnosis.

Lucy asked me what I would do if they told me that a pregnancy would kill me...."I'd tell them I wanted a second and third opinion", and then I'd leave it in the hands of the One who knows all my days. I nearly weep as I type this; knowing how difficult that would be to hear, and knowing my own heart, how I would struggle to truly respond this way. But God will give grace if I ever hear those words.

I know that it seems I am rambling, but it all does have a point, I promise:)


Tonight in Life Group, Josh McCarnan was testifying what God had been doing in heart through a physical trial his son CJ had gone through the week before, and through Pastor Conley's teaching in Genesis 32, where Jacob wrestles with God. He explained that Pastor Conley drew out the parallel, between Jacob wrestling to get AWAY from God, and then turning to wrestle to cling TO God. He said that he felt similarly, wrestling with the reasoning behind God giving CJ this trial to deal with, and wrestling for peace to trust God's wisdom in it. And I know exactly where he's coming from, maybe even more acutely.

God allowed me to have this disease. God alone has the power to heal me. There is no cure, or consistently effective treatment for Scleroderma. But He hasn't.....

This is the "mat" upon which I wrestle. What's the purpose of this? Could you not teach me these lessons some other way? In a way that won't jeopardize my life, or the dreams I've held since I was a child? Or maybe that's the point. Maybe it is to point out the things that I hold onto too tightly. The things, or ideas that I love more than Jesus.

I don't doubt that God gave me the desire to be a mother. And it's a good thing, but do I want it more than I want fellowship with Jesus. Honestly...yes. I spend more time thinking about being a momma, than I do in the Word---by far! So where am I seeking satisfaction and joy? Not in Jesus, who alone can give it...

I have some changes for God to make. In the meantime, I've been mostly healthy for almost a year. And I'm really thankful. Sometimes, I lay in bed just thanking God for another day that my body worked the way it was supposed to. I thank him almost DAILY for Prilosec, and regardless of the fact that I'm on an immune suppressant, I've only gotten sick twice in the last year. Both times, I got better without having to go on an antibiotic. That's a HUGE deal. I still have most of my hair, and I've managed to get back up to a healthy 130-ish pounds, and stay there for almost a year.

Maybe these changes will begin with God reminding me of his goodness to me on a daily basis-and me rejoicing in it! I think it's a good start anyway.

...Complete in Thee-Each want supplied,
And no good thing to me denied;
Since Thou my portion, Lord, will be,
I ask no more, complete in Thee.

Yea, justified! Oh blessed thought!
And sanctified! Salvation wrought!
Thy blood hath pardon bought for me,
And glorified, I too shall be!