I believe it stands to reason that, since God made me, He knows exactly how to get my attention; He seems to know exactly what language to use when speaking in that still small voice....for me, it is the language of music. This can be a dangerous thing, as I listen to my iPod every day on my way to work, and home again. And sometimes when God chooses to speak, His words hurts as they prick my pride and reveal my sin. Sometimes His words comfort my hurting heart, and reiterate promises He has made. Either way, it usually makes me cry....while I'm driving, IE, dangerous:)
It was the painful kind of words I heard yesterday on my way to work;I was listening to Rush of Fools, and the first, oh probably six, songs were all meant for me. I'd like to share them with you, and I hope that, for those who are listening, God's words rebuke and comfort you as they did me.
Undo:
I've been here before
Now, here I am again
Standing at the door
Praying You'll let me back in
To label me
A prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface
Of who I've been known to be
Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one
Who can undo what I've become
I focused on the score
But I could never win
Trying to ignore
A life of hiding my sin
To label me
A hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface
Of who I've been known to be
Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one
Who can undo what I've become
Make every step lead me back to
The sovereign way that You
Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
You are the only one who can undo
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become
"What I've become"...more like "what I've always been". Because of grace, I'm not a slave to my sin, but I'm still very much prone to sin. Hypocrite? Prodigal? Absolutely. I've been fighting to have my own way for months, while smiling to the world and shouting "thy will be done". As stated in my previous post, I haven't been gladly living my life Beneath the Cross of Jesus, I feel like I've been standing with my back to the cross, trying to climb down Calvary's hill. So the chorus spoke loudly and clearly.
Fame:
I have tried to follow, I have tried to lead
I have failed at everything
I have been the culprit to my selfish needs,
made everything but You my King
I couldn't be any less worthy
To spend one day much less forever with You
I raise my hands just as I am,
I'm letting go of false control
I lift my voice, I have no choice
My life is Yours, use me for Your fame, Your fame
I have not seen heaven,
I haven't seen Your face
But I've seen Your Spirit move
And Jesus it's amazing
the evidence of grace standing all around this room
I'm merely a product of mercy
The target and victim of Your perfect love
I raise my hands just as I am,
I'm letting go of false control
I lift my voice, I have no choice
My life is Yours, use me for Your fame, spreading like a flame
Let every breath proclaim glory to Your name
You can't be contained and I'll never be the same
Yeah, that false control thing...The idea of surrendering my will---again. How many times to I have to give my heart back to God before I stop trying to be in control. When am I gonna learn to trust that He knows better than I do?
Peace Be Still:
Come to me, you who are weak
Let my strength be yours tonight
Come and rest, let my love be your bed
Let my heart be yours tonight
Peace be still, Peace be still
Please be still and know that I am God
And know that I am God
Come empty cup, let me fill you up
I'll descend on you like a dove tonight
Lift your head, let your eyes fall into mine
Let your fear subside tonight
Now that small voice is speaking words of comfort, and I cry again, knowing I am unworthy of such love. But it's always been that way. He knew I would be unworthy when Jesus came to save me. Jesus died for sinners, of which I am chief. Lest I get carried away and post lyrics from the whole cd-I'll just say that the rest of the album is made up of songs about who we are, and who our God is, surrendering our will, and letting Him be God. I am encouraged and convicted every time I listen to this cd, but especially so lately, given the present state of my heart. Restoration is a process; it's hard to see my sin and realize it must change, it's harder when I see how deep-seeded it is, and how unaware I've been to it's existence. And once the sin has been confessed there's the struggle to remember that the sin has been paid for, and my standing with God is based on what Jesus has already done, not on my performance.
But yet, there has to be some growth, right? Some evidence that my heart is changing? I think this is the phase I'm stuck in...desiring God, and surrendering consistently. It's very easy for me to slip back into my former frame of mind; the "But Lord, I really want THIS instead of what You're giving me" attitude, especially with pictures of sweet newborn babies all over Facebook...In fact, just this morning I was faced with this struggle. Then I saw a Tweet from my pastor in Philadelphia, Ian McConnell: "Pile drive your temptations by telling your heart 'God is better!!" I needed to read that exactly at that moment. I'm still struggling a little to believe it. Maybe I need a Facebook hiatus 'til I do....I'll ponder that.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Grace in Conviction
So God knew what I needed this weekend-doesn't he always? Doesn't He know my heart best? Better even than I do? Yes, I think so.
So there it is:) I've always loved blue and white china, but this has significance to us-as we are both Americans. The first pieces we bought were the dinner plates with Independence Hall, and Philadelphia is the place that we long to call "home".
Sunday was one of those days. God had been working on me all week, and I was tired, drained of almost all joy. I went to the main church service instead of staying in the innercity service with John. It was communion sunday; our pastor was teaching in innercity, so our pastor/elder for music was teaching. He was so direct with what we were doing, explaining the process and purpose of communion clearly for visitors...the music was phenomenal. We sang "Jesus paid it all", "How deep the Father's love", and "Beneath the Cross" by Keith and Kristyn Getty. The last phrase of that song is "Beneath the cross of Jesus, we will gladly live our lives". And I just had to be real with God, considering what I was about to partake in. "God,I've not been gladly living my life beneath the cross...I feel like I'm standing with my back to it, trying to work my way down Calvary's hill. Bring me back to the cross, Father-bring me back to the gospel!" And God knows, and understands my struggle. As my friend Joybeth McCarnan reminded me, "he made me, he knows I am just dust. He knows I'm going to question him."
I claimed the blood of Jesus to wash away my fear and doubt and sin. Pastor Coleman read from Galatians 2:15-3:15. He taught from the first five verses of Galatians three. The Galatians were being given a hard time from the religious leaders, who were telling them that faith in the gospel wasn't enough, that they had to be circumcised. And Paul asks a couple of rhetorical questions, namely " Were you saved by hearing and faith or by works of the law?? If you were saved by hearing and faith, what's helping you continue? The truth of the gospel, or works of the law?" Pastor Coleman reminded us that we never move on from the gospel; it saved us(justification), and is saving us(sanctification), and will save us(glorification). He also cautioned us against adding to the gospel. We were save by grace alone, through faith alone, because of the life giving work of Jesus alone.
I don't think that I have any issues with adding to the gospel;lately I just haven't had (or made) the time or energy to dwell on anything. I get up and exercise because it's good for me, I go to work and come home to eat, spend some time with John and go to bed. I'm existing.
I know all the right things to say to make people think I'm doing well, that I'm trusting and content...I'm not. The "longing for Jesus and delighting in the gospel" part of my life is missing.
Am I being too real? I'm not intending to make anyone uncomfortable..well, yes actually-I am. I may not have it all wrapped up, but neither am I so prideful as to think I'm the only one who feels this way. So what do we do? We claim his promises.
Tenth Avenue North:By Your Side
Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face,
Just don't turn away.
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run,
To where will you run?
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
Jesus, lover of my soul, break my stubborn heart, and draw me close. You promise that when I seek you with my whole heart, I will find you. I know what you have done, and I believe-Lord, help my unbelief. Teach me to be content in this situation you have me in. You word says that your plans for me are meant for my good and for your glory. When it is time, please show me the good, until then , help me trust the one who knows all things....
Sovereign Grace:Behold Our God
Who has held the oceans in His hand
Who has numbered every grain of sand
Kings and nations tremble at His voice
All creation rises to rejoice
CHORUS
Behold our God seated on His throne
Come let us adore Him
Behold our King nothing can compare
Come let us adore Him!
Who has given counsel to the Lord
Who can question any of His Words
Who can teach the One who knows all things
Who can fathom all His wondrous deeds
Who has felt the nails upon His hands
Bearing all the guilt of sinful man
God eternal humbled to the grave
Jesus, Savior risen now to reign!
You will reign forever!
Let Your glory fill the earth
I had a wonderful saturday with my husband, talking through some things, but mostly just enjoying time together. We found our "fine china" pattern. It's called Liberty Blue by Staffordshire. It was created by an English company for America's bicentennial celebration.... I think it's hilarious. We started by buying 12 plates, and thought we'd add little by little. Well, my funny husband googled
it and found a 61 peice set on ebay for a decent price, so we offered less than the posted price, and the seller accepted it. HA! And since then he's found a bunch of other pieces, like platter, vegetable bowl, pitcher, salt n' pepper shakers, and gravy boat with stand. and he just won a bid war on a creamer to match the sugar bowl we're hoping to buy at an antique store nearby. I though it would be one of those things that we would add to here and there, but he got so excited with the items we found...he likes to buy me things:) Here are a few pictures of some of the things we're getting:
it and found a 61 peice set on ebay for a decent price, so we offered less than the posted price, and the seller accepted it. HA! And since then he's found a bunch of other pieces, like platter, vegetable bowl, pitcher, salt n' pepper shakers, and gravy boat with stand. and he just won a bid war on a creamer to match the sugar bowl we're hoping to buy at an antique store nearby. I though it would be one of those things that we would add to here and there, but he got so excited with the items we found...he likes to buy me things:) Here are a few pictures of some of the things we're getting:
This is the Minutemen's Call to Arms platter.
Betsy Ross fruit bowls
The dinner plate is nearly my favorite: Independance Hall in Philadelphia:)
The gravy boat: Lafayette's Landing at West Point
The stand: Governer's house at Williamsburg
There's the creamer that John won in a bidding war, and the sugar bowl I hope to buy tomorrow.
The teapot will come later, it's one of the more expensive and sought-after items.
So there it is:) I've always loved blue and white china, but this has significance to us-as we are both Americans. The first pieces we bought were the dinner plates with Independence Hall, and Philadelphia is the place that we long to call "home".
Sunday was one of those days. God had been working on me all week, and I was tired, drained of almost all joy. I went to the main church service instead of staying in the innercity service with John. It was communion sunday; our pastor was teaching in innercity, so our pastor/elder for music was teaching. He was so direct with what we were doing, explaining the process and purpose of communion clearly for visitors...the music was phenomenal. We sang "Jesus paid it all", "How deep the Father's love", and "Beneath the Cross" by Keith and Kristyn Getty. The last phrase of that song is "Beneath the cross of Jesus, we will gladly live our lives". And I just had to be real with God, considering what I was about to partake in. "God,I've not been gladly living my life beneath the cross...I feel like I'm standing with my back to it, trying to work my way down Calvary's hill. Bring me back to the cross, Father-bring me back to the gospel!" And God knows, and understands my struggle. As my friend Joybeth McCarnan reminded me, "he made me, he knows I am just dust. He knows I'm going to question him."
I claimed the blood of Jesus to wash away my fear and doubt and sin. Pastor Coleman read from Galatians 2:15-3:15. He taught from the first five verses of Galatians three. The Galatians were being given a hard time from the religious leaders, who were telling them that faith in the gospel wasn't enough, that they had to be circumcised. And Paul asks a couple of rhetorical questions, namely " Were you saved by hearing and faith or by works of the law?? If you were saved by hearing and faith, what's helping you continue? The truth of the gospel, or works of the law?" Pastor Coleman reminded us that we never move on from the gospel; it saved us(justification), and is saving us(sanctification), and will save us(glorification). He also cautioned us against adding to the gospel. We were save by grace alone, through faith alone, because of the life giving work of Jesus alone.
I don't think that I have any issues with adding to the gospel;lately I just haven't had (or made) the time or energy to dwell on anything. I get up and exercise because it's good for me, I go to work and come home to eat, spend some time with John and go to bed. I'm existing.
I know all the right things to say to make people think I'm doing well, that I'm trusting and content...I'm not. The "longing for Jesus and delighting in the gospel" part of my life is missing.
Am I being too real? I'm not intending to make anyone uncomfortable..well, yes actually-I am. I may not have it all wrapped up, but neither am I so prideful as to think I'm the only one who feels this way. So what do we do? We claim his promises.
Tenth Avenue North:By Your Side
Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face,
Just don't turn away.
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run,
To where will you run?
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
Jesus, lover of my soul, break my stubborn heart, and draw me close. You promise that when I seek you with my whole heart, I will find you. I know what you have done, and I believe-Lord, help my unbelief. Teach me to be content in this situation you have me in. You word says that your plans for me are meant for my good and for your glory. When it is time, please show me the good, until then , help me trust the one who knows all things....
Sovereign Grace:Behold Our God
Who has held the oceans in His hand
Who has numbered every grain of sand
Kings and nations tremble at His voice
All creation rises to rejoice
CHORUS
Behold our God seated on His throne
Come let us adore Him
Behold our King nothing can compare
Come let us adore Him!
Who has given counsel to the Lord
Who can question any of His Words
Who can teach the One who knows all things
Who can fathom all His wondrous deeds
Who has felt the nails upon His hands
Bearing all the guilt of sinful man
God eternal humbled to the grave
Jesus, Savior risen now to reign!
You will reign forever!
Let Your glory fill the earth
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Grace for Every Need
*I really should be more consistent with blogging; a lot happens in eight months time, and the necessity of updating before delving into my thoughts is a daunting task......
That visit with Dr. Curran yielded only discouragement as he revealed that my lungs were so badly scarred that I have retained only some 37% of function. He also told me that having children of my own was a terrible idea, and I shouldn't even consider it. BUT he wanted to me to see a specialist at Duke University Medical Center for a second opinion. I was thankful for his humility in acknowledging that he does not know everything about Interstitial Lung disease, and that if her were in the situation, his wife would go to DUMC too.
My husband learned a tough lesson that day; he learned how to "not fix it". He learned that when my heart is breaking and I'm overwhelmed, that I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to be hugged or held- "Don't be nice to me, or I'll cry!" I just need to think about other things and let Jesus steal in and remind me of who He is...and what he's done for me....and in me...He's the Lover of my soul, and I need him to fix it first. Tough for a guy, but he's an excellant student.
Needless to say we needed that trip to Philly.
Let me pause and just say- "Grace Bible Church is the dearest place on earth", and "my God truly does give me good gifts!"
I have never felt more cared for, more loved, than I have with the believers in Philadelphia. There is something about people coming along side of you, wrapping their arms around you and praying aloud for you-like it's the most natural response in the world-and in this city, amongst this body of believers, it is! And they didn't sit there and pity me; they mourned with me over my broken dreams, and then they pointed me to Jesus! They reminded me of who God is, and how he has demonstrated His love for me already! And we rejoiced together in this glorious truth:) My night of weeping was over, and hope had come with the dawn....
It was at this time that John and I started to long for this place to be our home. We had desired it already, but we began to long for this city, this culture, this body of believers to be our own. And we began to pray...
My first appointment with Dr Eric Meltzer in pulmonology at DUMC was like.....a rebirth of all my hopes and dreams.The first doctor I had met that was optimistic about my desire to have children. After reviewing my latest ct scan, he informed me that my lungs were full of cysts ( sounds awful, but hang on! ), and that they called it a "honeycomb effect". Basically, my scarred lung tissue formed into cysts after a long period of time. This was good news because- it meant that my scarring was old:) It hadn't occurred in the last year during my apparent "flare-up" of scleroderma. It had probably happened a number of years ago, and there didn't appear to be any danger of further scarring, now that my condition is stable. He also said that I appear to have plenty of reserve, and youth is on my side. He didn't see any reason why I shouldn't have children of my own. "But, let's schedule an appoinment with Dr Megan Clowse in rheumatology". Her clinical interest is women with rheumatological diseases and pregnancy. The appoinment was set for three months later, along with a follow-up visit with him. We went home and enjoyed an emotional high for a couple of months.
Three months later, Dr Clowse orders another echocardiogram ( as previously stated-not my favorite test! ) and a barrage of bloodwork to determine my risk for pulmonary hypertension. This one echo didn't hurt, and I was told that my body structure allowed some of the clearest pictures they had ever seen. No discomfort, no bruising. * This did nothing for my confidence in the skill of Greenville's technicians* Dr Clowse was less optimistic about my chance for a pregnancy, given the fact that my bloodwork showed this "double stranded DNA" which apparently infers Lupus. However my "symtoms are more scleroderma-ey than lupus-ey" and she wanted to see the results of my latest bloowork and confer with Dr Meltzer, the pulmonologist. She was also very..uuhm...direct about life expectancy with someone with my disease. So we went home and battled through an emotional valley for a couple of weeks.
I got a call from Dr. Meltzer who had conferred with Dr. Clowse. After reviewing all the bloodwork and my echo, they determined that my condition didn't not appear to be active lupus(though the bloodwork inferred it), and that my echo showed no signs of stress on my heart, and that all was functioning well. Once again, all systems were a go for Project Baby-however....we had informed him that we would be pursuing a move to Philadelphia by summertime, and he recommended we wait to see what would happen with that before getting pregnant, as I would need to be closely followed by all of my various specialists during a pregnancy, including someone in maternal-fetal medicine( high-risk OB, but with more training for special cases). This had already been our plan, so we changed direction to Operation Philly-step one;apply for pa teaching license.
In order to do this we first needed to get John's certificate here updated to reflect his newly acquired Master's degree...which meant lots of paperwork, filing fees, and waiting. Once that was done, we sent all of JOhn's transcripts, copies of his newly updated teaching certificate, more forms and filing fees to the PA board of Education and--yes you guessed it--waited.....Certification granted, we moved on to phase two of Operation Philly...telling our families.
Yikes!
John thought it would be best to wait until after the holidays were over, and as the time approached we were more and more anxious to tell them and get it over with. We weren't sure what the reaction would be, but prayed that God would prepare their hearts to hear the news. The general concensus was that as much as they would prefer us to stay in Greenville, they would never try to dissuade us from following God's will for our lives.
Phew!
Phase three of Operation Philly includes setting up interviews and meeting principals of charter/public schools. John is working with a friend of ours in Philly, Bobo Beck, to get a contact list and make a plan of attack, as it were:) We're so thankful for Bo and his helpful advice, and for those who know our hearts' desire and are praying for God's will to be done in our lives.
A couple of weeks ago I went to my rheumy here in G-vegas for standard bloodwork and semi-annual checkup. She casually announced ( with no eye contact ) that my bloodwork is showing active Lupus and she hiked my immune suppressant level back up from 75 mgs to 100 mgs. Back to that valley we went...for a Wile. But I started thinking about what she mentioned about the bloodwork, and am nearly certain she saw the same things that Dr Clowse and Dr Meltzer already confirmed. I'm getting copies of the bloodwork results mailed to me so I can double check with Dr Clowse.
As John has said, it wouldn't be so bad to be in a valley if we just stayed there and dealt with it. But to ride up and down on this emotional roller coaster is exhausting.....So I guess it's a good thing that God is the source of our strength.
There, I think that is a sufficient enough update:) Moving on....
I think that John and I have both really sturggled with the "why me?" comlex in the last few months. John has been relatively silent on the whole thing, but he mentioned something at Life Group tonight that showed me that I'm not alone in this struggle. As I work at a job that I don't particularly care about, I wonder what God is up to. This is not what I wanted. I didn't think it would be part of his plan for me. I felt sure that he had a couple kids for me to love, teach, nurture,shepherd...after all, this is what I have longed for since I was a child myself.
There aren't a lot of things I feel like I'm particularly good at...One reason I don't blog often is because I don't feel that I'm particularly eloquent. At the very least, there's nothing artistic about the way I describe, well, anything. I don't draw or paint; I sing because I like to, not because I'm particularly good at it, I like to clean-but that's not really a gift, more like a freakish obsession(thanks Momma)...I love children. I love talking with them, playing with them, training them..it's one thing I feel that I'm good at doing. So why hasn't God given us a child? My husband is ready, longing for a child as much as I am. He'll be a great daddy.....
Tonight we had Life Group at our house for the first time in a long time. and we must've missed a great message sunday night. One thing that our group was struck by, is our incorrect view of God. We've been working through the book of Matthew, and we got to the parable of the laborers in the master's field. We often look at what God has given others, and feel that we've been jipped. That God has given more to someone who didn't deserve it, or at the very least, didn't want it as badly as we did.
And we were reminded of what it is that we deserve.
Death
Hell
Eternal separation from God
And what have I been given?
Life
Heaven
The righteousness of Jesus
Eternity with God
Joy
Peace
An amazing inheritance
The body of believers:)
The Word
Direct access to the throne of grace
I forget so easily what I truly deserve. I forget so easily what I've been given. And I forget so easily the promises he has made: " 'I know the plans I have for you', declares the LORD 'plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope' " Jeremiah 29:11 But verses 12 and 13 are equally sweet: " 'Then you will call upon me, and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all of your heart.' " Wow...
I have a wrong view of God. I try to God down to my level when I compare what I have to what I desire. "God is not subject to fallen notions of fairness, besides when it comes to God's glory, most could care less." -Shai Linne
God chose to give me what I could not obtain for myself. How can I look at Jesus and say "yeah that was great, but I'd really like this"? I do. This is exactly what I do. Tonight we discussed our "spiritual blinders". The caution against comparing ourselves with brothers and sisters in Christ as Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 10, saying that the only thing we can boast in is what Christ has done. Paul goes on to talk about all that he has suffered, that he of all people would have reason to boast-and in chapter 12 he talks about his thorn in the flesh. I can just see Paul pleading with God to remove it, and the Father looking down on him, with the same love that redeemed his soul, and telling him "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.". Later he tells the church in Philippi that he has learned to be content in whatever situation he was in, and that he could do "all things through him who gives me strength". That power, made perfect in weakness, enables me to do all that God requires.
Is he trying to teach me to be content? Content to be a working wife with no children? Content to be in Greenville right now? This one gives me trouble. It seems that the more that I pray for God to make me content here until/if he moves us to Philadelphia, the more that I desire to be there.
I also think that I struggle to remember who I am in Christ. I know most people-men or women-struggle with this. Finding their purpose, finding what makes them stand out among others. What am I known for? Why would God be interested in anything I have to offer him? What do I have to offer him?
Nothing.
And that's the point. That was his idea all along. I have nothing to offer. I am just as sinful as anyone else, I have nothing in me that God would want. And that's when he redeemed me. God came to rescue sinners. And that's exactly what I am. Dead even, in my sins. And you know what dead people do?
Nothing.
"My Lord, I did not choose you; for that could never be. My heart would still refuse you, had you not chosen me. You took the sin that stained me; You cleansed me, made me new. Of old you have ordained me, that I should live in you. Jesus, you have saved me and taken all my sins, all my sins away. Jesus you have called me, before the world began, to glorify your name. I was without hope and dead inside, but you chose to save my life."
He didn't just save my life I got the righteousness of Jesus through imputation( "God takes Jesus' righteousness amount, through faith he credits it to the christian's account" Shai Linne). So when God looks at my credit score, he sees Jesus and all of his righteousness.
So what do I have to offer God?
I have the righteousness of Jesus (which is complete, full, perfect, and absolute, because He is God).
Who am I?
I am a child of God and joint heir with Christ. I get all of the benefits of being God's child, and none of the punishment I deserve for being a sinner.
My identity is in Christ. He is what defines me. Not how many children I have. Not the children that I don't have. Not the town I live in, or the job that I have, or the man I married.
I want to preach this truth to myself every day. I want to rejoice and believe this truth every day. I want to desire God's word, and love it more than any material thing.
But I do not.
"Here I am;
One more day of not loving Him the way He asks,
In fact my heart is singing praise to the things
That make me feel all right.
So I'm sinking fast like a stone heart should,
And on the way down, I've done what I could
To try and turn this stone to flesh.
I'm haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask of me
What, by my nature, I cannot give
So I beg for for you to move,
I beg for you to move,
I beg for you to break through
So here I am,
Got my deeds for the day
And all my cute little words
About how I am saved.
Am I saved?
Could I love you with my mouth
Like a church kid should?
At the end of the day,
My words get burned as wood.
Oh, but I was good.
These songs are noise in your ears
A clanging drum
You want my love.
I'm haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask of me
What, by my nature I cannot give.
So I beg for you to move,
I beg for you to move,
I beg for you to break through."
-Shane and Shane.
That visit with Dr. Curran yielded only discouragement as he revealed that my lungs were so badly scarred that I have retained only some 37% of function. He also told me that having children of my own was a terrible idea, and I shouldn't even consider it. BUT he wanted to me to see a specialist at Duke University Medical Center for a second opinion. I was thankful for his humility in acknowledging that he does not know everything about Interstitial Lung disease, and that if her were in the situation, his wife would go to DUMC too.
My husband learned a tough lesson that day; he learned how to "not fix it". He learned that when my heart is breaking and I'm overwhelmed, that I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to be hugged or held- "Don't be nice to me, or I'll cry!" I just need to think about other things and let Jesus steal in and remind me of who He is...and what he's done for me....and in me...He's the Lover of my soul, and I need him to fix it first. Tough for a guy, but he's an excellant student.
Needless to say we needed that trip to Philly.
Let me pause and just say- "Grace Bible Church is the dearest place on earth", and "my God truly does give me good gifts!"
I have never felt more cared for, more loved, than I have with the believers in Philadelphia. There is something about people coming along side of you, wrapping their arms around you and praying aloud for you-like it's the most natural response in the world-and in this city, amongst this body of believers, it is! And they didn't sit there and pity me; they mourned with me over my broken dreams, and then they pointed me to Jesus! They reminded me of who God is, and how he has demonstrated His love for me already! And we rejoiced together in this glorious truth:) My night of weeping was over, and hope had come with the dawn....
It was at this time that John and I started to long for this place to be our home. We had desired it already, but we began to long for this city, this culture, this body of believers to be our own. And we began to pray...
My first appointment with Dr Eric Meltzer in pulmonology at DUMC was like.....a rebirth of all my hopes and dreams.The first doctor I had met that was optimistic about my desire to have children. After reviewing my latest ct scan, he informed me that my lungs were full of cysts ( sounds awful, but hang on! ), and that they called it a "honeycomb effect". Basically, my scarred lung tissue formed into cysts after a long period of time. This was good news because- it meant that my scarring was old:) It hadn't occurred in the last year during my apparent "flare-up" of scleroderma. It had probably happened a number of years ago, and there didn't appear to be any danger of further scarring, now that my condition is stable. He also said that I appear to have plenty of reserve, and youth is on my side. He didn't see any reason why I shouldn't have children of my own. "But, let's schedule an appoinment with Dr Megan Clowse in rheumatology". Her clinical interest is women with rheumatological diseases and pregnancy. The appoinment was set for three months later, along with a follow-up visit with him. We went home and enjoyed an emotional high for a couple of months.
Three months later, Dr Clowse orders another echocardiogram ( as previously stated-not my favorite test! ) and a barrage of bloodwork to determine my risk for pulmonary hypertension. This one echo didn't hurt, and I was told that my body structure allowed some of the clearest pictures they had ever seen. No discomfort, no bruising. * This did nothing for my confidence in the skill of Greenville's technicians* Dr Clowse was less optimistic about my chance for a pregnancy, given the fact that my bloodwork showed this "double stranded DNA" which apparently infers Lupus. However my "symtoms are more scleroderma-ey than lupus-ey" and she wanted to see the results of my latest bloowork and confer with Dr Meltzer, the pulmonologist. She was also very..uuhm...direct about life expectancy with someone with my disease. So we went home and battled through an emotional valley for a couple of weeks.
I got a call from Dr. Meltzer who had conferred with Dr. Clowse. After reviewing all the bloodwork and my echo, they determined that my condition didn't not appear to be active lupus(though the bloodwork inferred it), and that my echo showed no signs of stress on my heart, and that all was functioning well. Once again, all systems were a go for Project Baby-however....we had informed him that we would be pursuing a move to Philadelphia by summertime, and he recommended we wait to see what would happen with that before getting pregnant, as I would need to be closely followed by all of my various specialists during a pregnancy, including someone in maternal-fetal medicine( high-risk OB, but with more training for special cases). This had already been our plan, so we changed direction to Operation Philly-step one;apply for pa teaching license.
In order to do this we first needed to get John's certificate here updated to reflect his newly acquired Master's degree...which meant lots of paperwork, filing fees, and waiting. Once that was done, we sent all of JOhn's transcripts, copies of his newly updated teaching certificate, more forms and filing fees to the PA board of Education and--yes you guessed it--waited.....Certification granted, we moved on to phase two of Operation Philly...telling our families.
Yikes!
John thought it would be best to wait until after the holidays were over, and as the time approached we were more and more anxious to tell them and get it over with. We weren't sure what the reaction would be, but prayed that God would prepare their hearts to hear the news. The general concensus was that as much as they would prefer us to stay in Greenville, they would never try to dissuade us from following God's will for our lives.
Phew!
Phase three of Operation Philly includes setting up interviews and meeting principals of charter/public schools. John is working with a friend of ours in Philly, Bobo Beck, to get a contact list and make a plan of attack, as it were:) We're so thankful for Bo and his helpful advice, and for those who know our hearts' desire and are praying for God's will to be done in our lives.
A couple of weeks ago I went to my rheumy here in G-vegas for standard bloodwork and semi-annual checkup. She casually announced ( with no eye contact ) that my bloodwork is showing active Lupus and she hiked my immune suppressant level back up from 75 mgs to 100 mgs. Back to that valley we went...for a Wile. But I started thinking about what she mentioned about the bloodwork, and am nearly certain she saw the same things that Dr Clowse and Dr Meltzer already confirmed. I'm getting copies of the bloodwork results mailed to me so I can double check with Dr Clowse.
As John has said, it wouldn't be so bad to be in a valley if we just stayed there and dealt with it. But to ride up and down on this emotional roller coaster is exhausting.....So I guess it's a good thing that God is the source of our strength.
There, I think that is a sufficient enough update:) Moving on....
I think that John and I have both really sturggled with the "why me?" comlex in the last few months. John has been relatively silent on the whole thing, but he mentioned something at Life Group tonight that showed me that I'm not alone in this struggle. As I work at a job that I don't particularly care about, I wonder what God is up to. This is not what I wanted. I didn't think it would be part of his plan for me. I felt sure that he had a couple kids for me to love, teach, nurture,shepherd...after all, this is what I have longed for since I was a child myself.
There aren't a lot of things I feel like I'm particularly good at...One reason I don't blog often is because I don't feel that I'm particularly eloquent. At the very least, there's nothing artistic about the way I describe, well, anything. I don't draw or paint; I sing because I like to, not because I'm particularly good at it, I like to clean-but that's not really a gift, more like a freakish obsession(thanks Momma)...I love children. I love talking with them, playing with them, training them..it's one thing I feel that I'm good at doing. So why hasn't God given us a child? My husband is ready, longing for a child as much as I am. He'll be a great daddy.....
Tonight we had Life Group at our house for the first time in a long time. and we must've missed a great message sunday night. One thing that our group was struck by, is our incorrect view of God. We've been working through the book of Matthew, and we got to the parable of the laborers in the master's field. We often look at what God has given others, and feel that we've been jipped. That God has given more to someone who didn't deserve it, or at the very least, didn't want it as badly as we did.
And we were reminded of what it is that we deserve.
Death
Hell
Eternal separation from God
And what have I been given?
Life
Heaven
The righteousness of Jesus
Eternity with God
Joy
Peace
An amazing inheritance
The body of believers:)
The Word
Direct access to the throne of grace
I forget so easily what I truly deserve. I forget so easily what I've been given. And I forget so easily the promises he has made: " 'I know the plans I have for you', declares the LORD 'plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope' " Jeremiah 29:11 But verses 12 and 13 are equally sweet: " 'Then you will call upon me, and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all of your heart.' " Wow...
I have a wrong view of God. I try to God down to my level when I compare what I have to what I desire. "God is not subject to fallen notions of fairness, besides when it comes to God's glory, most could care less." -Shai Linne
God chose to give me what I could not obtain for myself. How can I look at Jesus and say "yeah that was great, but I'd really like this"? I do. This is exactly what I do. Tonight we discussed our "spiritual blinders". The caution against comparing ourselves with brothers and sisters in Christ as Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 10, saying that the only thing we can boast in is what Christ has done. Paul goes on to talk about all that he has suffered, that he of all people would have reason to boast-and in chapter 12 he talks about his thorn in the flesh. I can just see Paul pleading with God to remove it, and the Father looking down on him, with the same love that redeemed his soul, and telling him "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.". Later he tells the church in Philippi that he has learned to be content in whatever situation he was in, and that he could do "all things through him who gives me strength". That power, made perfect in weakness, enables me to do all that God requires.
Is he trying to teach me to be content? Content to be a working wife with no children? Content to be in Greenville right now? This one gives me trouble. It seems that the more that I pray for God to make me content here until/if he moves us to Philadelphia, the more that I desire to be there.
I also think that I struggle to remember who I am in Christ. I know most people-men or women-struggle with this. Finding their purpose, finding what makes them stand out among others. What am I known for? Why would God be interested in anything I have to offer him? What do I have to offer him?
Nothing.
And that's the point. That was his idea all along. I have nothing to offer. I am just as sinful as anyone else, I have nothing in me that God would want. And that's when he redeemed me. God came to rescue sinners. And that's exactly what I am. Dead even, in my sins. And you know what dead people do?
Nothing.
"My Lord, I did not choose you; for that could never be. My heart would still refuse you, had you not chosen me. You took the sin that stained me; You cleansed me, made me new. Of old you have ordained me, that I should live in you. Jesus, you have saved me and taken all my sins, all my sins away. Jesus you have called me, before the world began, to glorify your name. I was without hope and dead inside, but you chose to save my life."
He didn't just save my life I got the righteousness of Jesus through imputation( "God takes Jesus' righteousness amount, through faith he credits it to the christian's account" Shai Linne). So when God looks at my credit score, he sees Jesus and all of his righteousness.
So what do I have to offer God?
I have the righteousness of Jesus (which is complete, full, perfect, and absolute, because He is God).
Who am I?
I am a child of God and joint heir with Christ. I get all of the benefits of being God's child, and none of the punishment I deserve for being a sinner.
My identity is in Christ. He is what defines me. Not how many children I have. Not the children that I don't have. Not the town I live in, or the job that I have, or the man I married.
I want to preach this truth to myself every day. I want to rejoice and believe this truth every day. I want to desire God's word, and love it more than any material thing.
But I do not.
"Here I am;
One more day of not loving Him the way He asks,
In fact my heart is singing praise to the things
That make me feel all right.
So I'm sinking fast like a stone heart should,
And on the way down, I've done what I could
To try and turn this stone to flesh.
I'm haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask of me
What, by my nature, I cannot give
So I beg for for you to move,
I beg for you to move,
I beg for you to break through
So here I am,
Got my deeds for the day
And all my cute little words
About how I am saved.
Am I saved?
Could I love you with my mouth
Like a church kid should?
At the end of the day,
My words get burned as wood.
Oh, but I was good.
These songs are noise in your ears
A clanging drum
You want my love.
I'm haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask of me
What, by my nature I cannot give.
So I beg for you to move,
I beg for you to move,
I beg for you to break through."
-Shane and Shane.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Medical update
So....I scheduled a visit with Dr. Curran, the soonest he had available ( per scheduling) was September 26th. WHAT!??!! That's like three months away(from the day I scheduled it, I realize this update is a little past due)!! Dah-dah-dah-dah! Lucy to the rescue! She offered to call Dr. Curran, stating that he's probably want a ct scan or something to look at before seeing me. So she called me a few days later and said that as soon as I had that test done, she would let Curran know, and he'd get me right in. John and I had talked about me moving to Lucy's practice once insurance kicked in, the idea of seeing the same doctor every time I go was quite a novelty. So Lucy got me an appointment with one of her colleagues, Joanne Skaggs-and I LOVE her! She sent me to GMH for some tests; high resolution ct scan, ultrasound of my slightly enlarged thyroid, and an Echocardiogram......Those things hurt! Basically an ultrasound of the heart, but there's a ribcage in the way, so they have to press really hard. It's like being nearly impaled with a blunt object;two days later I'm still tender.
While waiting for testing day to come, Dr. Curran's office called to say there had been a cancellation and they could get me in much earlier than Sept. 26th. They had an opening on August 2nd. Awesome, but no, we'll be in Philly! So back to the first appointment date. Testing schedule set, and Dr. Curran's office calls to say that I have an appointment for July 29th, the day before we leave for Philly. Perfecto!
Test results are in yesterday(July 20) Dr. Skaggs calls me at work to give me the results of my echo, but I was at work and couldn't return her call until today. I've never been called for test results before, usually we review them the next time I see the doctor. You only get a call when there's bad news right? I don't know. I got up this morning and was about to call Dr. Skaggs when I got a call from Carolina Cardiology to schedule an evaluation, I had my choice of seeing my cardiologist, Dr. Vaz, or anybody available. I chose Dr. Vaz of course, and set up an appointment for August 16th. Then I called Dr. Skaggs to get the results, She was with a patient and asked if she could call me back. Of course, that would be fine. A couple minutes later, I got a call from Carolina Cardiology, the receptionist had called Dr. Skaggs office to tell them the appointment was set up and the date, and they told her it was supposed to be emergent. So I'm going tomorrow at 3:30, to see a doctor I don't know...and I'm not sure why yet. But it's OK, my husband loves me, and my great and loving God is in control of this situation( as my husband reminded me when I told him).
In other news, John has finished his Masters, and we're going to Philadelphia to celebrate that and our ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY:) and for a much needed vacation....a whole seven days away from my job, and two weekends in our beloved city. Two Sunday celebrations at the dearest place on earth-Grace Bible Church. The past month or so has been very trying to our patience, and our emotions as we look forward to; being at Grace, and worshipping, and celebrating Jesus with our dear brothers and sisters; fellowship with dear friends like Danny and Becky Adams, and their girls, Tom and Karen Horton, and their family, Ian and Rachel McConnell and their kiddos, sweet giants of the faith, Walt and Roberta Grummt and Curt and Cindy Brown, my dear sister Linda Kilner, Brad and Heidi Steiner....my heart longs to be with these and many more dear friends. And then there's the food...the driving amongst northerners who are in a hurry to get where they need to go, and are almost never in the way. I LOVE driving in this city!
There's a lot coming in the next few days, possibly big decisions to be made, possibly bad news to hear, and, most likely, more tests to go through. But my loving Father is sovereign, none of this will surprise Him, and His plan is perfect. And at the end of these next LONG 8 days, we will leave this place for 10 days away from work, to be together the whole time, if we choose. I look forward to getting my fill of quality time with my husband. Work has made it very difficult of late, and I'm nearly running on empty. Thanking God for His provision in this.
While waiting for testing day to come, Dr. Curran's office called to say there had been a cancellation and they could get me in much earlier than Sept. 26th. They had an opening on August 2nd. Awesome, but no, we'll be in Philly! So back to the first appointment date. Testing schedule set, and Dr. Curran's office calls to say that I have an appointment for July 29th, the day before we leave for Philly. Perfecto!
Test results are in yesterday(July 20) Dr. Skaggs calls me at work to give me the results of my echo, but I was at work and couldn't return her call until today. I've never been called for test results before, usually we review them the next time I see the doctor. You only get a call when there's bad news right? I don't know. I got up this morning and was about to call Dr. Skaggs when I got a call from Carolina Cardiology to schedule an evaluation, I had my choice of seeing my cardiologist, Dr. Vaz, or anybody available. I chose Dr. Vaz of course, and set up an appointment for August 16th. Then I called Dr. Skaggs to get the results, She was with a patient and asked if she could call me back. Of course, that would be fine. A couple minutes later, I got a call from Carolina Cardiology, the receptionist had called Dr. Skaggs office to tell them the appointment was set up and the date, and they told her it was supposed to be emergent. So I'm going tomorrow at 3:30, to see a doctor I don't know...and I'm not sure why yet. But it's OK, my husband loves me, and my great and loving God is in control of this situation( as my husband reminded me when I told him).
In other news, John has finished his Masters, and we're going to Philadelphia to celebrate that and our ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY:) and for a much needed vacation....a whole seven days away from my job, and two weekends in our beloved city. Two Sunday celebrations at the dearest place on earth-Grace Bible Church. The past month or so has been very trying to our patience, and our emotions as we look forward to; being at Grace, and worshipping, and celebrating Jesus with our dear brothers and sisters; fellowship with dear friends like Danny and Becky Adams, and their girls, Tom and Karen Horton, and their family, Ian and Rachel McConnell and their kiddos, sweet giants of the faith, Walt and Roberta Grummt and Curt and Cindy Brown, my dear sister Linda Kilner, Brad and Heidi Steiner....my heart longs to be with these and many more dear friends. And then there's the food...the driving amongst northerners who are in a hurry to get where they need to go, and are almost never in the way. I LOVE driving in this city!
There's a lot coming in the next few days, possibly big decisions to be made, possibly bad news to hear, and, most likely, more tests to go through. But my loving Father is sovereign, none of this will surprise Him, and His plan is perfect. And at the end of these next LONG 8 days, we will leave this place for 10 days away from work, to be together the whole time, if we choose. I look forward to getting my fill of quality time with my husband. Work has made it very difficult of late, and I'm nearly running on empty. Thanking God for His provision in this.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Grace in Answered Prayer
This past week I had my typical every-other-month check-up with my Rheumy. She was able to look at the report of the biopsy from the Dermatologist, and explained that there's an interface between the Dermis and the Epidermis. This interface was where the antibodies were causing the inflammation, suggesting an auto-immune reaction, not an allergic reaction. That being said, there are 3 options for treatment; 1) Increase my dose of immune suppressant, 2) increase my dose of steroid that I've been on for almost a year, 3) a new drug for my system, called Plaquenil. Plaquenil was originally intended for treatment and prevention of Malaria, however it's also been proven to help with RA and Lupus symptoms. Plaquenil wouldn't further suppress my immune system or increase my risk of infection or bone damage, so it's the option I was most comfortable with. The only down side should be that it could take up to three months for me to start noticing a difference. Big, fat, hairy deal..... :)
So I asked Dr. Lipsey before she left, "How do my lungs sound?" She said they sound clear and healthy, no crackling anymore. I did a retarded dance for joy as I dug through my purse for my phone so I could text John and tell him. You see, we've been praying very specifically for God to rid my body of this disease and the effects it has had on my body, this was a small step in that direction. Dr. Lipsey moved my every-other-month visit to every 4 months or so, said that my blood work looked great and sent me on my way....2 more small steps:)
My next round of labs are scheduled for July, which is when BCBS should start pitching in to help with medical bills, the preexisting condition clause has almost expired!! Praise the Lord.....Having blood drawn on three separate occasions cost us almost $900. So this is a really big deal for us!
As far as my time with my husband is concerned, it has been very precious of late, and I'm guarding it most jealously. Saturdays are our day for quality time. The last few weeks it's been spent hiking and antiquing...the hiking is going a little better, as I'm conditioning my body for it. And for someone who's lungs only function " at 47%", I beast these trails!! We've found some really precious things while shopping, worldly treasures that remind me of people that I love dearly. Such as pieces of purple glass, like my Great-Gram Owen has been collecting for years. She's 100 years old, and she's amazing. I spent a lot of time with her as a kid, and grew up seeing these pieces of purple glass. As I understand it, these pieces were made prior to WWII(?) and were made with manganese. With prolonged exposure to direct sunlight, these pieces turn purple. The pieces we're found vary in size and type-from vases to milk bottles.
I've also been able to add to my teacup collection several "new" teacups; 6 fro my sweet mom-in-law, and one during a hunt in Brevard, NC. I've added these to; one teacup from my Great-Gram Owen's collection ( a Christmas present that made me cry ), one from my Gramma Chauvin ( purchased on one of a couple cruises to Bermuda), and one that I bought as a young teen, and has been broken ( by my sister Allie, who was two or three at the time ) and super glued back together!
Still struggling with contentment as I am a proud new Auntie of a sweet baby boy, Davis James Pachter, son to Jamey and Lucy Pachter, and I await the arrival to Jonathan and Jeanette's second son. But God has been so kind to increase a desire for his word, joy in reading through Colossians, and moving backwards to start Galatians. God has been good to remind me that I will not be truly happy until he is first place in my heart. This truth is very familiar, I learn it a lot, and am dismayed at how quickly I forget it. But I must(by God's grace) remain in the word, rejoicing in "old" truths, learning "new" truths, and pursuing fellowship with my Savior!
As I see God answering specific prayer, I'm encouraged to pray faithfully for certain people that God has placed on my heart. The second part of James 5:16 stated that "the effectual fervent prayers of a righteous man avails much"... I wouldn't call myself righteous, but I'm pursuing it, so I'm gonna assume that's close enough. No obvious answers there yet, but I'll keep you posted:)
So I asked Dr. Lipsey before she left, "How do my lungs sound?" She said they sound clear and healthy, no crackling anymore. I did a retarded dance for joy as I dug through my purse for my phone so I could text John and tell him. You see, we've been praying very specifically for God to rid my body of this disease and the effects it has had on my body, this was a small step in that direction. Dr. Lipsey moved my every-other-month visit to every 4 months or so, said that my blood work looked great and sent me on my way....2 more small steps:)
My next round of labs are scheduled for July, which is when BCBS should start pitching in to help with medical bills, the preexisting condition clause has almost expired!! Praise the Lord.....Having blood drawn on three separate occasions cost us almost $900. So this is a really big deal for us!
As far as my time with my husband is concerned, it has been very precious of late, and I'm guarding it most jealously. Saturdays are our day for quality time. The last few weeks it's been spent hiking and antiquing...the hiking is going a little better, as I'm conditioning my body for it. And for someone who's lungs only function " at 47%", I beast these trails!! We've found some really precious things while shopping, worldly treasures that remind me of people that I love dearly. Such as pieces of purple glass, like my Great-Gram Owen has been collecting for years. She's 100 years old, and she's amazing. I spent a lot of time with her as a kid, and grew up seeing these pieces of purple glass. As I understand it, these pieces were made prior to WWII(?) and were made with manganese. With prolonged exposure to direct sunlight, these pieces turn purple. The pieces we're found vary in size and type-from vases to milk bottles.
I've also been able to add to my teacup collection several "new" teacups; 6 fro my sweet mom-in-law, and one during a hunt in Brevard, NC. I've added these to; one teacup from my Great-Gram Owen's collection ( a Christmas present that made me cry ), one from my Gramma Chauvin ( purchased on one of a couple cruises to Bermuda), and one that I bought as a young teen, and has been broken ( by my sister Allie, who was two or three at the time ) and super glued back together!
Still struggling with contentment as I am a proud new Auntie of a sweet baby boy, Davis James Pachter, son to Jamey and Lucy Pachter, and I await the arrival to Jonathan and Jeanette's second son. But God has been so kind to increase a desire for his word, joy in reading through Colossians, and moving backwards to start Galatians. God has been good to remind me that I will not be truly happy until he is first place in my heart. This truth is very familiar, I learn it a lot, and am dismayed at how quickly I forget it. But I must(by God's grace) remain in the word, rejoicing in "old" truths, learning "new" truths, and pursuing fellowship with my Savior!
As I see God answering specific prayer, I'm encouraged to pray faithfully for certain people that God has placed on my heart. The second part of James 5:16 stated that "the effectual fervent prayers of a righteous man avails much"... I wouldn't call myself righteous, but I'm pursuing it, so I'm gonna assume that's close enough. No obvious answers there yet, but I'll keep you posted:)
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Grace in health
It's been almost a year since I was hospitalized for Pericarditis. And in this last year, I've remained mostly healthy. That, to me, is a large dose of grace.
Brief review: I have a disease that causes my immune system to attack the soft tissues in my body. It has caused many complications to every day living; from pain and stiffness in my joints and blue fingers, to scarring in my lungs and stress on my heart, resulting in said Pericarditis. I've also had Shingles, 3 kidney stones, and acid reflux for the last 7 years or so.
I recall August 8th or so...the day I went to the pulmonolgist and he told me I would most likely need a lung transplant in the next year. That was one of the toughest days I ever had. And God gave abundant grace that day too.
I was talking with my sister-in-law Lucy the other day; Lucy is an internal physician, and she got the first ball rolling in getting me treatment and sponsorship upon moving back to Greenville from Philly in August of 2008. Lucy is pregnant with their first child, she has almost 7 weeks left, I think... She asked me what I was planning as far as "family/children" were concerned. So I told her that I had talked with my rheumatologist about it, and she wasn't very enthusiastic about the idea. So Lucy asked if it would change my mind if the doctors said that it would be dangerous. I laughed, and said no. Then I got real serious and told her, "Luce, I've wanted to be a momma since I was a child myself. I wanted to be just like my momma. That's all I've ever wanted, my life's ambitions, as it were."
You see, I serve a God that is Sovereign. He is known as the Great Physician, and He knows all things. He controls whether or not my body could handle carrying a child, and He has the power to heal my body completely ( Anytime, Father! ).
I'm fairly certain that for me, any pregnancy would be high risk, but I am ENTIRELY certain that God is bigger than my diagnosis.
Lucy asked me what I would do if they told me that a pregnancy would kill me...."I'd tell them I wanted a second and third opinion", and then I'd leave it in the hands of the One who knows all my days. I nearly weep as I type this; knowing how difficult that would be to hear, and knowing my own heart, how I would struggle to truly respond this way. But God will give grace if I ever hear those words.
I know that it seems I am rambling, but it all does have a point, I promise:)
Tonight in Life Group, Josh McCarnan was testifying what God had been doing in heart through a physical trial his son CJ had gone through the week before, and through Pastor Conley's teaching in Genesis 32, where Jacob wrestles with God. He explained that Pastor Conley drew out the parallel, between Jacob wrestling to get AWAY from God, and then turning to wrestle to cling TO God. He said that he felt similarly, wrestling with the reasoning behind God giving CJ this trial to deal with, and wrestling for peace to trust God's wisdom in it. And I know exactly where he's coming from, maybe even more acutely.
God allowed me to have this disease. God alone has the power to heal me. There is no cure, or consistently effective treatment for Scleroderma. But He hasn't.....
This is the "mat" upon which I wrestle. What's the purpose of this? Could you not teach me these lessons some other way? In a way that won't jeopardize my life, or the dreams I've held since I was a child? Or maybe that's the point. Maybe it is to point out the things that I hold onto too tightly. The things, or ideas that I love more than Jesus.
I don't doubt that God gave me the desire to be a mother. And it's a good thing, but do I want it more than I want fellowship with Jesus. Honestly...yes. I spend more time thinking about being a momma, than I do in the Word---by far! So where am I seeking satisfaction and joy? Not in Jesus, who alone can give it...
I have some changes for God to make. In the meantime, I've been mostly healthy for almost a year. And I'm really thankful. Sometimes, I lay in bed just thanking God for another day that my body worked the way it was supposed to. I thank him almost DAILY for Prilosec, and regardless of the fact that I'm on an immune suppressant, I've only gotten sick twice in the last year. Both times, I got better without having to go on an antibiotic. That's a HUGE deal. I still have most of my hair, and I've managed to get back up to a healthy 130-ish pounds, and stay there for almost a year.
Maybe these changes will begin with God reminding me of his goodness to me on a daily basis-and me rejoicing in it! I think it's a good start anyway.
...Complete in Thee-Each want supplied,
And no good thing to me denied;
Since Thou my portion, Lord, will be,
I ask no more, complete in Thee.
Yea, justified! Oh blessed thought!
And sanctified! Salvation wrought!
Thy blood hath pardon bought for me,
And glorified, I too shall be!
Brief review: I have a disease that causes my immune system to attack the soft tissues in my body. It has caused many complications to every day living; from pain and stiffness in my joints and blue fingers, to scarring in my lungs and stress on my heart, resulting in said Pericarditis. I've also had Shingles, 3 kidney stones, and acid reflux for the last 7 years or so.
I recall August 8th or so...the day I went to the pulmonolgist and he told me I would most likely need a lung transplant in the next year. That was one of the toughest days I ever had. And God gave abundant grace that day too.
I was talking with my sister-in-law Lucy the other day; Lucy is an internal physician, and she got the first ball rolling in getting me treatment and sponsorship upon moving back to Greenville from Philly in August of 2008. Lucy is pregnant with their first child, she has almost 7 weeks left, I think... She asked me what I was planning as far as "family/children" were concerned. So I told her that I had talked with my rheumatologist about it, and she wasn't very enthusiastic about the idea. So Lucy asked if it would change my mind if the doctors said that it would be dangerous. I laughed, and said no. Then I got real serious and told her, "Luce, I've wanted to be a momma since I was a child myself. I wanted to be just like my momma. That's all I've ever wanted, my life's ambitions, as it were."
You see, I serve a God that is Sovereign. He is known as the Great Physician, and He knows all things. He controls whether or not my body could handle carrying a child, and He has the power to heal my body completely ( Anytime, Father! ).
I'm fairly certain that for me, any pregnancy would be high risk, but I am ENTIRELY certain that God is bigger than my diagnosis.
Lucy asked me what I would do if they told me that a pregnancy would kill me...."I'd tell them I wanted a second and third opinion", and then I'd leave it in the hands of the One who knows all my days. I nearly weep as I type this; knowing how difficult that would be to hear, and knowing my own heart, how I would struggle to truly respond this way. But God will give grace if I ever hear those words.
I know that it seems I am rambling, but it all does have a point, I promise:)
Tonight in Life Group, Josh McCarnan was testifying what God had been doing in heart through a physical trial his son CJ had gone through the week before, and through Pastor Conley's teaching in Genesis 32, where Jacob wrestles with God. He explained that Pastor Conley drew out the parallel, between Jacob wrestling to get AWAY from God, and then turning to wrestle to cling TO God. He said that he felt similarly, wrestling with the reasoning behind God giving CJ this trial to deal with, and wrestling for peace to trust God's wisdom in it. And I know exactly where he's coming from, maybe even more acutely.
God allowed me to have this disease. God alone has the power to heal me. There is no cure, or consistently effective treatment for Scleroderma. But He hasn't.....
This is the "mat" upon which I wrestle. What's the purpose of this? Could you not teach me these lessons some other way? In a way that won't jeopardize my life, or the dreams I've held since I was a child? Or maybe that's the point. Maybe it is to point out the things that I hold onto too tightly. The things, or ideas that I love more than Jesus.
I don't doubt that God gave me the desire to be a mother. And it's a good thing, but do I want it more than I want fellowship with Jesus. Honestly...yes. I spend more time thinking about being a momma, than I do in the Word---by far! So where am I seeking satisfaction and joy? Not in Jesus, who alone can give it...
I have some changes for God to make. In the meantime, I've been mostly healthy for almost a year. And I'm really thankful. Sometimes, I lay in bed just thanking God for another day that my body worked the way it was supposed to. I thank him almost DAILY for Prilosec, and regardless of the fact that I'm on an immune suppressant, I've only gotten sick twice in the last year. Both times, I got better without having to go on an antibiotic. That's a HUGE deal. I still have most of my hair, and I've managed to get back up to a healthy 130-ish pounds, and stay there for almost a year.
Maybe these changes will begin with God reminding me of his goodness to me on a daily basis-and me rejoicing in it! I think it's a good start anyway.
...Complete in Thee-Each want supplied,
And no good thing to me denied;
Since Thou my portion, Lord, will be,
I ask no more, complete in Thee.
Yea, justified! Oh blessed thought!
And sanctified! Salvation wrought!
Thy blood hath pardon bought for me,
And glorified, I too shall be!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Grace for New Things.
Well..I got a job at St Francis:) Not the job I interviewed for; this one is "part-time" status, but I can get up to forty hours if I want them. It's a second shift position 1 pm-7 or 8 pm. By May or June, they are expecting to need another first shift person on first shift. So maybe by then, I'll know the computer system and be comfortable enough with the processes to move to first shift. Weekends and holidays off. Thank you Lord:)
My physical is scheduled for tomorrow, and orientation is March 28th. I quit LevelOne promptly upon my call from my interviewing supervisor....well, I worked my 3 hour shift for that day, and then quit. I had planned to give two weeks' notice, but they've been jerking me around with my schedule for the last 2 months, so John told me to just be done.
Today I went to the Dermatologist to get this rash checked out. It started on my stomach where my shingles scarring is, so that had me kind of worried. But it didn't hurt like shingles, and wasn't always itchy. So it has spread up onto my chest and on my back and both arms as well. The dermatologist said it's most likely an allergic reaction to detergent or something. Reactions in the skin that develop like that commonly appear in an area where the skin has been injured or damaged before. Either that or a particular kind of rash that is relatively common in a lot of people. A once in a lifetime kind of rash, that goes away on it's own.
So it's not shingles, and is not a flareup of my Scleroderma...Thank You Lord:) I hope to have it gone, with the cream he prescribed, before I start the new job. In the meantime, I'm enjoying my days at home:) Someday, I will really enjoying being a full-time domestic engineer.
John and I are excited for Spring Break, hoping to visit our Philly family, provided I can get that time off from this new job. The routine of daily life is starting to wear on John, between work, and classes, and tutoring. This time of year wears him down as things begin to bloom in Greenville. He's congested and head-achy, unable to focus, kind of groggy. We're looking forward to a break from the daily routines next Sunday, when we go to The Biltmore House with James and Angie. Good times with good friends..... I'll try to post pictures:)
My physical is scheduled for tomorrow, and orientation is March 28th. I quit LevelOne promptly upon my call from my interviewing supervisor....well, I worked my 3 hour shift for that day, and then quit. I had planned to give two weeks' notice, but they've been jerking me around with my schedule for the last 2 months, so John told me to just be done.
Today I went to the Dermatologist to get this rash checked out. It started on my stomach where my shingles scarring is, so that had me kind of worried. But it didn't hurt like shingles, and wasn't always itchy. So it has spread up onto my chest and on my back and both arms as well. The dermatologist said it's most likely an allergic reaction to detergent or something. Reactions in the skin that develop like that commonly appear in an area where the skin has been injured or damaged before. Either that or a particular kind of rash that is relatively common in a lot of people. A once in a lifetime kind of rash, that goes away on it's own.
So it's not shingles, and is not a flareup of my Scleroderma...Thank You Lord:) I hope to have it gone, with the cream he prescribed, before I start the new job. In the meantime, I'm enjoying my days at home:) Someday, I will really enjoying being a full-time domestic engineer.
John and I are excited for Spring Break, hoping to visit our Philly family, provided I can get that time off from this new job. The routine of daily life is starting to wear on John, between work, and classes, and tutoring. This time of year wears him down as things begin to bloom in Greenville. He's congested and head-achy, unable to focus, kind of groggy. We're looking forward to a break from the daily routines next Sunday, when we go to The Biltmore House with James and Angie. Good times with good friends..... I'll try to post pictures:)
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Grace for Contentment
Yesterday I had an interview at St Francis hospital. I had applied for a position in patient registration, via the internet after hearing about the job from Tammy Jacobs several weeks ago. I've been waiting and praying for a couple weeks now; waiting for the job to post, and praying that I would get it.
When Barbara called me, I was so excited, and set an appointment for that morning. I sent out mass text messages telling my friends that I was on my way to an interview, asking them to pray.
And you know what?
I got a text back from every single person ( except Daddy and Randy, who were working on a roof ) saying that they were praying. At that moment, my heart was overwhelmed with these friends -these good gifts- that God has given me. To have brothers and sisters who can boldly approach the throne of grace on my behalf, who willingly do so because they love me.
And why?
Not because of who I am, or what I have done for them, but because of who Jesus is, and what He has changed in me. Because of what he has done and change in them
And how?
Like I said, boldly. Because of what Jesus did for us on the cross. When we come before the throne, our Father sees the righteousness of Jesus. WOW.
So that was a sweet thing to ponder. The God who sent Jesus to save me, when I didn't want him to, was the same God who would be in control of this interview.
My brother-in-law Jamey called me to let me know about the terrible parking accommodations at St. Francis, to be sure I left in enough time to find a place. Barbara was very nice-a northerner, no less:) As she described the position and the hours, and what was expected, I got a little excited. Apparently since St. Francis is a faith based program, they are required to have a "staff devotions" kind of time every day. As she told me this, I prayed " Oh Lord, I REALLY would love to work here!"
All in all, it sounds similar to LevelOne, getting accurate information from frazzled distracted people, and helping them get to where they need to be.But it's face-to-face. And the pay is much better... and the hours are the same every day...and I have weekends off. Barbara seemed satisfied with the answers I gave her questions; like, diffusing co-worker conflict by maintaining a spirit of humility. Serving them in love, just as I would the patients coming in the door. I think that I'm laid back enough to get along with just about anybody. But I'm also a people-pleaser. I will change whatever may be necessary to create a peaceful and productive work environment. So Barbara asked me to come back this next Wednesday to meet and interview with my potential co-worker. She's going through a list of 30 or so applicants for the second interview as well. Awesome....a personality contest. not intimidating at all.....and then I remember who's in control of this situation. But every time I think of this job, I ask God for two things: 1)to either bless me with this job or 2) give me contentment in the job I have.
I'm writing this post in the midst of talking Brian and basketball with Randy...so I've lost train of thought and I think I'm done for tonight. That's ok though, I'm purty tired...
Birthday lunch with Momma tomorrow-her's, not mine. That'll be pretty sweet, I really enjoy spending time with my momma. She's one of my best friends; besides my husband, I'd say she's tied for second with Randy:)
When Barbara called me, I was so excited, and set an appointment for that morning. I sent out mass text messages telling my friends that I was on my way to an interview, asking them to pray.
And you know what?
I got a text back from every single person ( except Daddy and Randy, who were working on a roof ) saying that they were praying. At that moment, my heart was overwhelmed with these friends -these good gifts- that God has given me. To have brothers and sisters who can boldly approach the throne of grace on my behalf, who willingly do so because they love me.
And why?
Not because of who I am, or what I have done for them, but because of who Jesus is, and what He has changed in me. Because of what he has done and change in them
And how?
Like I said, boldly. Because of what Jesus did for us on the cross. When we come before the throne, our Father sees the righteousness of Jesus. WOW.
So that was a sweet thing to ponder. The God who sent Jesus to save me, when I didn't want him to, was the same God who would be in control of this interview.
My brother-in-law Jamey called me to let me know about the terrible parking accommodations at St. Francis, to be sure I left in enough time to find a place. Barbara was very nice-a northerner, no less:) As she described the position and the hours, and what was expected, I got a little excited. Apparently since St. Francis is a faith based program, they are required to have a "staff devotions" kind of time every day. As she told me this, I prayed " Oh Lord, I REALLY would love to work here!"
All in all, it sounds similar to LevelOne, getting accurate information from frazzled distracted people, and helping them get to where they need to be.But it's face-to-face. And the pay is much better... and the hours are the same every day...and I have weekends off. Barbara seemed satisfied with the answers I gave her questions; like, diffusing co-worker conflict by maintaining a spirit of humility. Serving them in love, just as I would the patients coming in the door. I think that I'm laid back enough to get along with just about anybody. But I'm also a people-pleaser. I will change whatever may be necessary to create a peaceful and productive work environment. So Barbara asked me to come back this next Wednesday to meet and interview with my potential co-worker. She's going through a list of 30 or so applicants for the second interview as well. Awesome....a personality contest. not intimidating at all.....and then I remember who's in control of this situation. But every time I think of this job, I ask God for two things: 1)to either bless me with this job or 2) give me contentment in the job I have.
I'm writing this post in the midst of talking Brian and basketball with Randy...so I've lost train of thought and I think I'm done for tonight. That's ok though, I'm purty tired...
Birthday lunch with Momma tomorrow-her's, not mine. That'll be pretty sweet, I really enjoy spending time with my momma. She's one of my best friends; besides my husband, I'd say she's tied for second with Randy:)
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
"Sick as a dog"
My brother Randy moved in with us some number of weeks ago, and with him came Brian. Brian is a white Husky/Chow mix with one eye that is icy blue, and another that is half icy blue, half brown. He is a beatiful dog. He is sweet and obedient, mellow and friendly. I've heard him bark a grand total of three times, and he never licks my face. His fur is the bane of my existence. Maybe someday, I will chill out enough to not vacuum my couch before I sit on it, but today is not that day.
Yesterday, my husband got up at his normal early hour ( 5:15 am ) for P90X, also referred to as Satan's workout. He came in shortly before he left to inform me that Brian "had the squirts" and he and Randy were unable to do P90X because Brian needed a bath. He told me that he was going to take Brian out again before he left, and that I should keep an eye on him that day.
He came back just a minute later, completely distraught and apologetic. He stated that he "did not have time for this" and that Brian had thrown up just inside the door of Randy's room. His watch battery was dead, there was another puddle infront of our sliding glass door, and he was running late for work.
I laughed and told him I would take care of it; he apologized again, and hurriedly left for work. A minute later I heard four slow heavy knocks at the door. I giggled, got out of bed, and went to the door. As I opened it, I just gave him a look. His shoulders were slumped and he told me he forgot his keys. I laughed and let him in, and he whined a little that he couldn't get out of his own way. So I kissed my poor husband and sent him to work....and went back to bed for another 20 minutes to wrap my brain around cleaning up doggy puke.
We had determined that the most likely reason for his digestive issues was the wet dog food Randy treated him to on Friday before they went to Charlotte for the weekend. So I called my mother-in-law to ask what I should do. After talking with her, I got up and threw on a sweatshirt, put my dirty hair up and went out. I went to: the bank, to put $2,000 on the principal of our car loan;Wal-mart to pick up pepto tablets, body wash, protein powder, and the popular-in-our-home drink mix; BiLo to get ground beef to feed the dog and make chili;Aldi to get yogurt,eggs, rice,milk and cereal; and to Spinx, to redeem my BiLo fuel perks that were going to expire.I saved ten cents per gallon on gas that was priced at $3.05 per gallon. OUCH!
Hurry home to cook up rice and beef, and find a way to get Brian to eat the Pepto tablet. Solution:Peanut Butter. He had no trouble eating the cooked beef and rice. Cleaned up the doggy puke, washed my hands and bagged up the rest of the beef, emptied and reloaded the dishwasher, while swtiching loads of laundy. Then look at a clock and realize I don't have time to shower, as it's 11:20 and I have to leave for work in ten minutes. Just enough time to take meds and eat breakfast!
Three hours later, I was on my way home from a particularly yucky shift-Thank you Lord, that it was only three hours. More cleaning, spending time with Brian,fooling with my blog. Randy came home bearing flowers and chocolate, as a thank-you for dealing with his pup. I had discovered bits of foil wrapper among the stomach fluids I cleaned up, and realized, he also must have gotten some chocolate. Brian was in rough shape yesterday! He loves attention,he will sit at my feet, and will follow me around the house. Not yesterday...He laid on his blanket, and didn't move for hours-not even when I left the room. Randy came home, and his tail flopped and his ears perked up, but he didn't get up. Very strange....Brian knows his boy. He loves people, but Randy is the center of his world. When Randy comes home, nobody else exists for him. On the nights that Randy is late, he gets antsy and paces, listening for Randy's car. When Randy walks in his whole body skaes with excitement, and he doesn't let Randy out of his sight for the rest of the evening. So for him to not move when Randy came in was very strange, indeed. Poor pup.
As much as I am NOT a dog person, I do like this dog. And I have compassion for this one. If I had to have any dog here, I'm glad it's Brian. Now I have to get off the computer and vacuum my couch..and clean my floors....*sigh.
Yesterday, my husband got up at his normal early hour ( 5:15 am ) for P90X, also referred to as Satan's workout. He came in shortly before he left to inform me that Brian "had the squirts" and he and Randy were unable to do P90X because Brian needed a bath. He told me that he was going to take Brian out again before he left, and that I should keep an eye on him that day.
He came back just a minute later, completely distraught and apologetic. He stated that he "did not have time for this" and that Brian had thrown up just inside the door of Randy's room. His watch battery was dead, there was another puddle infront of our sliding glass door, and he was running late for work.
I laughed and told him I would take care of it; he apologized again, and hurriedly left for work. A minute later I heard four slow heavy knocks at the door. I giggled, got out of bed, and went to the door. As I opened it, I just gave him a look. His shoulders were slumped and he told me he forgot his keys. I laughed and let him in, and he whined a little that he couldn't get out of his own way. So I kissed my poor husband and sent him to work....and went back to bed for another 20 minutes to wrap my brain around cleaning up doggy puke.
We had determined that the most likely reason for his digestive issues was the wet dog food Randy treated him to on Friday before they went to Charlotte for the weekend. So I called my mother-in-law to ask what I should do. After talking with her, I got up and threw on a sweatshirt, put my dirty hair up and went out. I went to: the bank, to put $2,000 on the principal of our car loan;Wal-mart to pick up pepto tablets, body wash, protein powder, and the popular-in-our-home drink mix; BiLo to get ground beef to feed the dog and make chili;Aldi to get yogurt,eggs, rice,milk and cereal; and to Spinx, to redeem my BiLo fuel perks that were going to expire.I saved ten cents per gallon on gas that was priced at $3.05 per gallon. OUCH!
Hurry home to cook up rice and beef, and find a way to get Brian to eat the Pepto tablet. Solution:Peanut Butter. He had no trouble eating the cooked beef and rice. Cleaned up the doggy puke, washed my hands and bagged up the rest of the beef, emptied and reloaded the dishwasher, while swtiching loads of laundy. Then look at a clock and realize I don't have time to shower, as it's 11:20 and I have to leave for work in ten minutes. Just enough time to take meds and eat breakfast!
Three hours later, I was on my way home from a particularly yucky shift-Thank you Lord, that it was only three hours. More cleaning, spending time with Brian,fooling with my blog. Randy came home bearing flowers and chocolate, as a thank-you for dealing with his pup. I had discovered bits of foil wrapper among the stomach fluids I cleaned up, and realized, he also must have gotten some chocolate. Brian was in rough shape yesterday! He loves attention,he will sit at my feet, and will follow me around the house. Not yesterday...He laid on his blanket, and didn't move for hours-not even when I left the room. Randy came home, and his tail flopped and his ears perked up, but he didn't get up. Very strange....Brian knows his boy. He loves people, but Randy is the center of his world. When Randy comes home, nobody else exists for him. On the nights that Randy is late, he gets antsy and paces, listening for Randy's car. When Randy walks in his whole body skaes with excitement, and he doesn't let Randy out of his sight for the rest of the evening. So for him to not move when Randy came in was very strange, indeed. Poor pup.
As much as I am NOT a dog person, I do like this dog. And I have compassion for this one. If I had to have any dog here, I'm glad it's Brian. Now I have to get off the computer and vacuum my couch..and clean my floors....*sigh.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Why a change of title? Because I can. I like change. I love to clean and get rid of old things and organize. Including my thoughts. God has been teaching me, and I thought I'd share a peek, a snapshot, or "vignette" with you.
So it's been over six months that John and I have been married. I've learned a lot more about grace these last few weeks than I ever thought I needed to learn.
John is back in grad school, taking classes two nights a week, and one class that meets every third Thursday. He is also tutoring two nights a week, plus LifeGroup in our home on Tuesday night.
My brother moved in with us a couple of weeks ago with his white Husky/Chow dog, Brian. Brian is a wonderful dog;mellow, sweet and obedient. But he is white...and I have fuzzy chocolate brown couches, and laminate flooring. I feel like I'm constantly vacuuming and/or dustmopping. Having Randy here has been great, I knew it would be. He's always been one of my closest friends, and he and my husband get along very well.
Work at LevelOne has been the biggest cause of growth in my life these last few weeks. January hit with a busy leasing season, so my hours went back to crazy. I was being scheduled for almost 40 hours a week, and was back to the 3-midnight shift. During the week wasn't too bad, but Friday and Saturday nights are the only nights John doesn't have class or tutoring, and those days I haven't been seeing him at all. It's been proven that something about computer screens messes with the levels of melatonin in the brain. So after working 8 late hours, and needing an hour or so to unwind, getting up for church on Sunday mornings has been really tough. Furthermore, I'm starting to wonder how much longer my body can handle the stress of this job. How much longer before it shuts down again? Fear has definitely been a consistent addition to exhaustion and frustration.
John had Presidents' Day off from school, so I tried to trade away my hours, and requested it off, so that I could rest, clean, spend time with my husband, etc. I got up Monday morning to find that I still had to work...all day. I was so upset. This was possibly my first spiritual temper tantrum. I was so angry at God; I know he's all powerful, I've seen what He can do! So why could He not let me have this day with my husband? I fumed all the way to work, cried when I got there, and cried through my first 3 phone calls. I didn't ever ask for grace to make it through that long day. I didn't want it, I didn't ask for it, I certainly didn't deserve it.
But He gave it to me anyway.
Isn't that so kind? Isn't that so like God? Kind of like Ephesians 2. I was dead in sin, doing exactly what my corrupt nature told me to do. But God...God was rich in mercy. He made me new. He showed me Jesus, and gave me understanding as to what Jesus had done. I didn't want it, I didn't ask for it, I certainly didn't deserve it.
But He gave it to me anyway.
I am humbled. Repentant.Thankful. Ready to be made more like Jesus.
Brother Josh McCarnan led our LifeGroup this last week so John could study for a ginormous Abstract Algebra test on Wednesday. We were discussing Pastor Conley's teaching of Matthew 14, where Jesus walks on water. We reviewed what we discussed last week; the disciples just having seen Jesus feed 25,000+ people, still did not see Jesus for who he was. They saw a man who could meet their material needs. So Jesus sends them out in a boat, sends the crowd away and retreats to spend time in prayer with the Father. Then this storm comes; the disciples fight for their lives in this storm for nine hours. Nine hours! Skip ahead, past Peter walking on the water, to the part where Jesus climbs into the boat.....
The storm immediately stops. The disciples response; "Truly, you are the Son of God" *Insert angelic voices*
They finally got it! That was the whole point; Jesus brought them through the storm of fear and frustration and into the calm of faith and worship. The point of the storm was to bring them to the point of seeing Jesus for who he is. That is worship. To acknowledge God for who He is.
So the purpose of my "storms"....To show me who my God is. To bring me to faith and worship. To make me more like Jesus. And I'm so thankful that God is more faithful than I am. I'm faithful sometimes. I'm faithful (almost always) when life is easy. I'm faithful (a lot of the time) when things are hard. But like every sinner, I get to a point where I freak out and think it's time to take back control of the situation. But as soon as Jesus "steps into the boat", my storm is over.
So Jesus, can you please quit walking on water?? I know it's really cool and all, but I just need you to stay by my side. All of the time. I need you to be in control all of the time, 'kay??
"If you can calm the sea, then you can comfort me
If winds obey your voice, why should I fear their noise?
And though my eyes can't see,
I know you're with me.
Peace, you give me peace
when the storms come and I'm afraid
Peace, you give me peace
when I trust in the words you say.
You give me peace"
I think this is where my difficulty lies. It's hard to trust the words he's said, if I don't know what he's said. It's tough to claim promises if I haven't read them, meditated on them, rejoiced in them.
So it's been over six months that John and I have been married. I've learned a lot more about grace these last few weeks than I ever thought I needed to learn.
John is back in grad school, taking classes two nights a week, and one class that meets every third Thursday. He is also tutoring two nights a week, plus LifeGroup in our home on Tuesday night.
My brother moved in with us a couple of weeks ago with his white Husky/Chow dog, Brian. Brian is a wonderful dog;mellow, sweet and obedient. But he is white...and I have fuzzy chocolate brown couches, and laminate flooring. I feel like I'm constantly vacuuming and/or dustmopping. Having Randy here has been great, I knew it would be. He's always been one of my closest friends, and he and my husband get along very well.
Work at LevelOne has been the biggest cause of growth in my life these last few weeks. January hit with a busy leasing season, so my hours went back to crazy. I was being scheduled for almost 40 hours a week, and was back to the 3-midnight shift. During the week wasn't too bad, but Friday and Saturday nights are the only nights John doesn't have class or tutoring, and those days I haven't been seeing him at all. It's been proven that something about computer screens messes with the levels of melatonin in the brain. So after working 8 late hours, and needing an hour or so to unwind, getting up for church on Sunday mornings has been really tough. Furthermore, I'm starting to wonder how much longer my body can handle the stress of this job. How much longer before it shuts down again? Fear has definitely been a consistent addition to exhaustion and frustration.
John had Presidents' Day off from school, so I tried to trade away my hours, and requested it off, so that I could rest, clean, spend time with my husband, etc. I got up Monday morning to find that I still had to work...all day. I was so upset. This was possibly my first spiritual temper tantrum. I was so angry at God; I know he's all powerful, I've seen what He can do! So why could He not let me have this day with my husband? I fumed all the way to work, cried when I got there, and cried through my first 3 phone calls. I didn't ever ask for grace to make it through that long day. I didn't want it, I didn't ask for it, I certainly didn't deserve it.
But He gave it to me anyway.
Isn't that so kind? Isn't that so like God? Kind of like Ephesians 2. I was dead in sin, doing exactly what my corrupt nature told me to do. But God...God was rich in mercy. He made me new. He showed me Jesus, and gave me understanding as to what Jesus had done. I didn't want it, I didn't ask for it, I certainly didn't deserve it.
But He gave it to me anyway.
I am humbled. Repentant.Thankful. Ready to be made more like Jesus.
Brother Josh McCarnan led our LifeGroup this last week so John could study for a ginormous Abstract Algebra test on Wednesday. We were discussing Pastor Conley's teaching of Matthew 14, where Jesus walks on water. We reviewed what we discussed last week; the disciples just having seen Jesus feed 25,000+ people, still did not see Jesus for who he was. They saw a man who could meet their material needs. So Jesus sends them out in a boat, sends the crowd away and retreats to spend time in prayer with the Father. Then this storm comes; the disciples fight for their lives in this storm for nine hours. Nine hours! Skip ahead, past Peter walking on the water, to the part where Jesus climbs into the boat.....
The storm immediately stops. The disciples response; "Truly, you are the Son of God" *Insert angelic voices*
They finally got it! That was the whole point; Jesus brought them through the storm of fear and frustration and into the calm of faith and worship. The point of the storm was to bring them to the point of seeing Jesus for who he is. That is worship. To acknowledge God for who He is.
So the purpose of my "storms"....To show me who my God is. To bring me to faith and worship. To make me more like Jesus. And I'm so thankful that God is more faithful than I am. I'm faithful sometimes. I'm faithful (almost always) when life is easy. I'm faithful (a lot of the time) when things are hard. But like every sinner, I get to a point where I freak out and think it's time to take back control of the situation. But as soon as Jesus "steps into the boat", my storm is over.
So Jesus, can you please quit walking on water?? I know it's really cool and all, but I just need you to stay by my side. All of the time. I need you to be in control all of the time, 'kay??
"If you can calm the sea, then you can comfort me
If winds obey your voice, why should I fear their noise?
And though my eyes can't see,
I know you're with me.
Peace, you give me peace
when the storms come and I'm afraid
Peace, you give me peace
when I trust in the words you say.
You give me peace"
I think this is where my difficulty lies. It's hard to trust the words he's said, if I don't know what he's said. It's tough to claim promises if I haven't read them, meditated on them, rejoiced in them.
Friday, September 17, 2010
The beginning of "Beyond"
Well. After a few more crazy changes, we had an amazing wedding. I was possibly the least stressed out bride I have ever heard of. My Momma was amazing, she took care of all the weird little details, and Momma Brown kept her sane. I was able to focus on getting my home ready, and pack for my honeymoon.
The Poconos were great-awesome weather! We were able to spend a day in Hershey, PA and a day and a half or so in Philly. Morning shopping in Reading Terminal included Old City Coffee, candy from an Amish candy shop, and five 8x10 prints of Center City for the entryway of our home.
Back to real life for a rude awakening on Tuesday morning August 11th. My pulmonary appointment involved pulmonary function tests, and waiting for nearly 3 hours to see the pulmonologist. After all of that, he told me that my lungs were functioning at less than 40%. He wanted to increase my Imuran ( the immune suppressant) and add a steroid to reduce the inflammation that was causing the scarring in my lungs. He proceeded to tell me that if the medication didn't make some kind of improvement in a few months' time, they would proceed to put me in touch with the Lung Transplant Center. I'm not sure how I processed all of that without crying. I was alone in the doctor's office,and his "bedside manner" left something to be desired.At that moment, my thoughts started racing, and didn't stop for days. My first thought was to call my Daddy, but I knew that if I called him, I would cry for sure. Being newly married, I felt it was probably necessary to talk to my husband first.
I thought of Lynette Chevalier all the way home. I cried most of the way there, and for a good while afterwards. This was not what I had planned for the first week home from my honeymoon. I did not plan to deal with issues like these-ever, much less the first year of our marriage. Truly it was a test of my faith in God's sovereignty. It's an ongoing test, that I'm not sure I'm passing. Why God is asking us to go through these trials? I'm not entirely sure how He's going to use this for my benefit, but as I've told a friend of mine-God has given us unique opportunities to see Him work. He's got a totally different plan for her and I. John and I aren't dealing with petty issues, or fighting over silly quirks. We're facing a very uncertain future, and potentially huge financial strain. It certainly makes little everyday annoyances look like laughing matter. Fortunately, neither of us are absorbed with selfish little things, nor do we hold on to things, letting them build til one of us blows up. God has been kind in that regard. And I don't mean to infer that He is UNkind to put us through this test, but I sure don't like it. He is kind to give me grace to handle it, but I would rather not need so much grace-and that's just pure honesty.
I waited til John got home from work to talk to him. We laid on our bed and cried together for a while, and then we prayed. He prayed that God would give us the strength to walk to path He has laid out for us, and I prayed that He would give me grace to walk it with joy. I want people to look at my response and see Christ. Some days the joy is hard to find, those are the days I vacillate between questioning God's sovereignty and kindness, and berating myself for thinking such things.
I got to talk to my Daddy finally, on our way to Life Group that night. I cried....just hearing his voice, and listening to him care for my spirit...I cried a lot. My heart is always encouraged to talk with him about stuff like this, and to have him reassure me that, no matter what, he will be there, and he will be lifting me up in prayer.
It took a few minutes for me to calm myself enough to walk into Peter's house for Life Group.I hadn't necessarily wanted to be around people, but I NEEDED to be cared for. I needed to be with these loved ones. The music Ethan had chosen, and the passages we read were like a soothing salve for my burning, achy soul. John and I were in tears again within minutes. We took an opportunity to share with our group what we had learned and receive prayer and encouragement from our beloved brothers and sisters. I'm not sure they will ever know how much they blessed us that night-even as we stayed til the wee hours with Brianne, talking through things that she was dealing with. To be able to reciprocate the care we had received was so sweet.
So what now? I don't know really. I don't feel any different, but the increased dosage of medication makes me a bit more easily fatigued. I start training at Level One on Monday, Sept. 27th. I pray God gives me the strength to put in the hours required. I lost full sponsorship,as John makes too much money for me to be fully covered. So I'm down to 75%, which is still a blessing, but also rather expensive. God allowed us to sell John's motorcycle, and we received and excess in financial aid from John's masters program. So we will have about $3500 in savings for medical purposes....Sounds good, but that will be used up quickly. So we pray. We trust God to provide, and we pray that the medicine works, so I don't have to have a lung transplant at the age of 23.
And still I struggle with being content. I don't want to plan a family right now, but it bothers me to not know if my body will ever be able to handle it. It bothers me to not know when we can start planning to have a family. Who knows how long I'll have to be on some of these medications? Who knows what my next battery of pulmonary tests will reveal? God knows, and that should bring me comfort, right? Well, I'll be honest.....it usually doesn't. So until He reveals the next step, I will preach truth furiously to myself. I will sing truth, and read truth, and seek to hear truth from others, and ask for faith to believe truth.
"God's purposes will ripen fast, unfolding every hour;
the bud may have a bitter taste, but sweet will be the flow'r"
The Poconos were great-awesome weather! We were able to spend a day in Hershey, PA and a day and a half or so in Philly. Morning shopping in Reading Terminal included Old City Coffee, candy from an Amish candy shop, and five 8x10 prints of Center City for the entryway of our home.
Back to real life for a rude awakening on Tuesday morning August 11th. My pulmonary appointment involved pulmonary function tests, and waiting for nearly 3 hours to see the pulmonologist. After all of that, he told me that my lungs were functioning at less than 40%. He wanted to increase my Imuran ( the immune suppressant) and add a steroid to reduce the inflammation that was causing the scarring in my lungs. He proceeded to tell me that if the medication didn't make some kind of improvement in a few months' time, they would proceed to put me in touch with the Lung Transplant Center. I'm not sure how I processed all of that without crying. I was alone in the doctor's office,and his "bedside manner" left something to be desired.At that moment, my thoughts started racing, and didn't stop for days. My first thought was to call my Daddy, but I knew that if I called him, I would cry for sure. Being newly married, I felt it was probably necessary to talk to my husband first.
I thought of Lynette Chevalier all the way home. I cried most of the way there, and for a good while afterwards. This was not what I had planned for the first week home from my honeymoon. I did not plan to deal with issues like these-ever, much less the first year of our marriage. Truly it was a test of my faith in God's sovereignty. It's an ongoing test, that I'm not sure I'm passing. Why God is asking us to go through these trials? I'm not entirely sure how He's going to use this for my benefit, but as I've told a friend of mine-God has given us unique opportunities to see Him work. He's got a totally different plan for her and I. John and I aren't dealing with petty issues, or fighting over silly quirks. We're facing a very uncertain future, and potentially huge financial strain. It certainly makes little everyday annoyances look like laughing matter. Fortunately, neither of us are absorbed with selfish little things, nor do we hold on to things, letting them build til one of us blows up. God has been kind in that regard. And I don't mean to infer that He is UNkind to put us through this test, but I sure don't like it. He is kind to give me grace to handle it, but I would rather not need so much grace-and that's just pure honesty.
I waited til John got home from work to talk to him. We laid on our bed and cried together for a while, and then we prayed. He prayed that God would give us the strength to walk to path He has laid out for us, and I prayed that He would give me grace to walk it with joy. I want people to look at my response and see Christ. Some days the joy is hard to find, those are the days I vacillate between questioning God's sovereignty and kindness, and berating myself for thinking such things.
I got to talk to my Daddy finally, on our way to Life Group that night. I cried....just hearing his voice, and listening to him care for my spirit...I cried a lot. My heart is always encouraged to talk with him about stuff like this, and to have him reassure me that, no matter what, he will be there, and he will be lifting me up in prayer.
It took a few minutes for me to calm myself enough to walk into Peter's house for Life Group.I hadn't necessarily wanted to be around people, but I NEEDED to be cared for. I needed to be with these loved ones. The music Ethan had chosen, and the passages we read were like a soothing salve for my burning, achy soul. John and I were in tears again within minutes. We took an opportunity to share with our group what we had learned and receive prayer and encouragement from our beloved brothers and sisters. I'm not sure they will ever know how much they blessed us that night-even as we stayed til the wee hours with Brianne, talking through things that she was dealing with. To be able to reciprocate the care we had received was so sweet.
So what now? I don't know really. I don't feel any different, but the increased dosage of medication makes me a bit more easily fatigued. I start training at Level One on Monday, Sept. 27th. I pray God gives me the strength to put in the hours required. I lost full sponsorship,as John makes too much money for me to be fully covered. So I'm down to 75%, which is still a blessing, but also rather expensive. God allowed us to sell John's motorcycle, and we received and excess in financial aid from John's masters program. So we will have about $3500 in savings for medical purposes....Sounds good, but that will be used up quickly. So we pray. We trust God to provide, and we pray that the medicine works, so I don't have to have a lung transplant at the age of 23.
And still I struggle with being content. I don't want to plan a family right now, but it bothers me to not know if my body will ever be able to handle it. It bothers me to not know when we can start planning to have a family. Who knows how long I'll have to be on some of these medications? Who knows what my next battery of pulmonary tests will reveal? God knows, and that should bring me comfort, right? Well, I'll be honest.....it usually doesn't. So until He reveals the next step, I will preach truth furiously to myself. I will sing truth, and read truth, and seek to hear truth from others, and ask for faith to believe truth.
"God's purposes will ripen fast, unfolding every hour;
the bud may have a bitter taste, but sweet will be the flow'r"
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Long OVERDUE Update!
Wow, time has flown, and much has happened since my last blog! About 3 weeks ago, my daddy finally went to Sunbelt Rental to look into air conditioning units. Much to my dismay, it was going to cost almost half of our wedding budget to cool the barn, and even then, we couldn't guarantee it would be sufficient. Add to that the fact that the bathrooms were a little skeezy, the kitchen prep space was minimal, and the director wasn't keeping the grounds, it was very necessary to find a new venue. Momma didn't tell me this news until she had found a new possible venue-wise woman! The next day, we went and looked at the Greenville Little Theater. I tried to have a good attitude, I really did! We got out to the car, and Momma asked " So what do you REALLY think of it?" I told her I didn't like it, it wasn't what I wanted, etc BUT.....it was air-conditioned, ample free parking, bathrooms were more accessible for Gram and there was plenty of space for rehearsal food prep....I felt a lot better about it once John came with me to see it! So I had to rework my wedding vision. Needless to say, I was on the verge of tears for the next two days!
In the last two months, I have been taking a drug called Imuran. It's an immune suppressant drug, a type of chemotherapy in pill form. For the first week, I was nauseated every day, no appetite, headaches, and lethargic. I did eventually adjust, and haven't had any other issues with it. However, I have to be very careful to not get a cold or something akin to it, as it could quickly turn into bronchitis or pneumonia. Unfortunately, even though I had the Pneumovax, all bets are off with an immune suppressant drug. So I started feeling yucky about a week and a half ago. A Sunday, I think. The next day my throat was scratchy, and the following morning my chest was very heavy. So I called and got an immediate appointment at the GHS clinics. The doctor that I saw commended me for listening to my rheumatologist and coming in right away. We were able to catch the cold before it settled in my lungs. SO he put me on a beastly antibiotic for 10 days....my colon is thrilled-but I'm almost done with it. Most likely, after John and I get back from our honeymoon, I will up the dose of Imuran to a whole pill, which will be 50 mg. Awesome! I hate splitting pills! Momma was a little concerned that my rheumatologist wanted to up the dose, but I told her that it must be making some kind of a difference, sufficient enough that she didn't suggest Cytoxan ( the aggressive immune suppressant that can cause infertility). Immune suppressant drugs and another drug called Lopressor make it very dangerous for me to get pregnant.Obviously not a problem right now, but in 11 days or so.....:)So I made my appointment for the Gyn and went through that horrible experience, and survived. I think I would rather have blood drawn every 4 hours for 48 hours, than do that again!
For the last several weeks, John has been painting our house....every room but two! He's exhausted, and sick of painting-but it's done, and the house looks so much brighter and cleaner. As he painted, I cleaned; Baseboards, doors, trim BLINDS! My momma graciously helped me degrease the kitchen...and that was a HUGE job!
We got our bathroom and bedroom ready to finish and we went to BedBath&Beyond to get our bed set and shower curtain and new hooks, and Target to get our towels with gift cards we had received. we got home and washed the towels and sheets for our bed and got the bed on the frame. I was so busy unpacking stuff, unloading and reloading the dishwasher, I didn't really pay attention to the bed...until we tried to put the sheets on and I realized that it was not a queen-but a full. Ooooh man. We had been hoping to just get that room done! The next day we painted the kitchen and picked up a queen sleigh bed we bought on craigslist. Yesterday John cleaned the frame and vacuumed the mattress while I did some more work in the kitchen. After febreze and a new mattress pad, it feels like new. Our bed set looks GREAT on the bed, and it's finished!
I'm thankful that John LIKES the colors I chose, and he had such a loving attitude about painting for me. He's a good man. In character-very much like my Daddy! I am tired, and still have to drive home, so that's enough of an update for now! 11 more days of this craziness! And the Browns come this coming week!! I'm not sure who's more excited, me or my Momma and siblings! Can't wait to see our people!
In the last two months, I have been taking a drug called Imuran. It's an immune suppressant drug, a type of chemotherapy in pill form. For the first week, I was nauseated every day, no appetite, headaches, and lethargic. I did eventually adjust, and haven't had any other issues with it. However, I have to be very careful to not get a cold or something akin to it, as it could quickly turn into bronchitis or pneumonia. Unfortunately, even though I had the Pneumovax, all bets are off with an immune suppressant drug. So I started feeling yucky about a week and a half ago. A Sunday, I think. The next day my throat was scratchy, and the following morning my chest was very heavy. So I called and got an immediate appointment at the GHS clinics. The doctor that I saw commended me for listening to my rheumatologist and coming in right away. We were able to catch the cold before it settled in my lungs. SO he put me on a beastly antibiotic for 10 days....my colon is thrilled-but I'm almost done with it. Most likely, after John and I get back from our honeymoon, I will up the dose of Imuran to a whole pill, which will be 50 mg. Awesome! I hate splitting pills! Momma was a little concerned that my rheumatologist wanted to up the dose, but I told her that it must be making some kind of a difference, sufficient enough that she didn't suggest Cytoxan ( the aggressive immune suppressant that can cause infertility). Immune suppressant drugs and another drug called Lopressor make it very dangerous for me to get pregnant.Obviously not a problem right now, but in 11 days or so.....:)So I made my appointment for the Gyn and went through that horrible experience, and survived. I think I would rather have blood drawn every 4 hours for 48 hours, than do that again!
For the last several weeks, John has been painting our house....every room but two! He's exhausted, and sick of painting-but it's done, and the house looks so much brighter and cleaner. As he painted, I cleaned; Baseboards, doors, trim BLINDS! My momma graciously helped me degrease the kitchen...and that was a HUGE job!
We got our bathroom and bedroom ready to finish and we went to BedBath&Beyond to get our bed set and shower curtain and new hooks, and Target to get our towels with gift cards we had received. we got home and washed the towels and sheets for our bed and got the bed on the frame. I was so busy unpacking stuff, unloading and reloading the dishwasher, I didn't really pay attention to the bed...until we tried to put the sheets on and I realized that it was not a queen-but a full. Ooooh man. We had been hoping to just get that room done! The next day we painted the kitchen and picked up a queen sleigh bed we bought on craigslist. Yesterday John cleaned the frame and vacuumed the mattress while I did some more work in the kitchen. After febreze and a new mattress pad, it feels like new. Our bed set looks GREAT on the bed, and it's finished!
I'm thankful that John LIKES the colors I chose, and he had such a loving attitude about painting for me. He's a good man. In character-very much like my Daddy! I am tired, and still have to drive home, so that's enough of an update for now! 11 more days of this craziness! And the Browns come this coming week!! I'm not sure who's more excited, me or my Momma and siblings! Can't wait to see our people!
Friday, May 21, 2010
"I just keep trusting my Lord, as I walk along...
....I just keep trusting my Lord, and He gives a song. Though the storm clouds darken the sky o'er the heavn'ly trail, I just keep trusting my Lord-He will never fail!"
God sees fit to keep me on my knees, not literally, because I would be in rough shape! But spiritually speaking, of course. Yesterday my boss, Angelena, came home and informed me that she had lost her job. GHS had found a hairdresser who could live on site and have full availability to take care of the residents' hair. Angelena was stunned but thrilled to be home for the summer, and the possibility of reopening her salon later. God gave me MUCH grace to let my face speak joy ( my face talks pretty loud, I'm afraid ), instead of panic. Just this week I received a reply to an application I had sent to a family with triplets. So God allowed me to have something in the works before I even lost this job.
I just sent the resume/references tonight, and I'm praying for grace to trust God with the outcome-good or bad, job or no job, God is still good and he's worthy to be praised.
God has prepared my heart for this through combined Bible study this week. We were in Psalm 136, every verse ends with the promise of God's steadfast love enduring forever. So Ben gave us a sheet to fill in our own "good things" that God has given because of His steadfast love. Some of the things we came up with: "O give thanks to God who gives peace in the midst of my trials, for his steadfast love endures forever, who gives a song to the heavy heart, for his steadfast love endures forever. He provides for my daily needs, for his steadfast love endures forever."
I can see how he prepared me to increase my faith through what he taught me last week. By God's grace alone, I'm not freaking out. By His grace alone, I'm relearning to trust, to depend, to lean, and find joy in my God and his all-wise plan, for my life and John's.
"Near the cross! Oh Lamb of God, bring it's scenes before me; Help me walk from day to day with it's shadows o'er me. In the cross, in the cross be my glory ever, til my raptured soul shall find rest beyond the river."
God sees fit to keep me on my knees, not literally, because I would be in rough shape! But spiritually speaking, of course. Yesterday my boss, Angelena, came home and informed me that she had lost her job. GHS had found a hairdresser who could live on site and have full availability to take care of the residents' hair. Angelena was stunned but thrilled to be home for the summer, and the possibility of reopening her salon later. God gave me MUCH grace to let my face speak joy ( my face talks pretty loud, I'm afraid ), instead of panic. Just this week I received a reply to an application I had sent to a family with triplets. So God allowed me to have something in the works before I even lost this job.
I just sent the resume/references tonight, and I'm praying for grace to trust God with the outcome-good or bad, job or no job, God is still good and he's worthy to be praised.
God has prepared my heart for this through combined Bible study this week. We were in Psalm 136, every verse ends with the promise of God's steadfast love enduring forever. So Ben gave us a sheet to fill in our own "good things" that God has given because of His steadfast love. Some of the things we came up with: "O give thanks to God who gives peace in the midst of my trials, for his steadfast love endures forever, who gives a song to the heavy heart, for his steadfast love endures forever. He provides for my daily needs, for his steadfast love endures forever."
I can see how he prepared me to increase my faith through what he taught me last week. By God's grace alone, I'm not freaking out. By His grace alone, I'm relearning to trust, to depend, to lean, and find joy in my God and his all-wise plan, for my life and John's.
"Near the cross! Oh Lamb of God, bring it's scenes before me; Help me walk from day to day with it's shadows o'er me. In the cross, in the cross be my glory ever, til my raptured soul shall find rest beyond the river."
Monday, May 17, 2010
Faith: substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen.
My heart took quite a rebuke last night...Pastor Conley was in Matthew, where we have been for a couple of months now. the second half of Matthew chapter 9. He described the desperation of Jairus who came to Jesus to ask him to raise his daughter from the dead. He explained what the woman with the issue of blood had dealt with for 12 years, how it had made her ceremonially unclean, and cut her off from her family. Her faith in the power Christ had to heal her made her reason that if she could just touch his coat, she could be healed.
And then the Holy Spirit started poking....." you've had this disease for six years....when have you ever asked Me to heal you? Do you think that I can't? When you were in the hospital, did you ask Me to heal you?"
"Never...Lord, I'm sure you could, if you wanted to....Well, no-I didn't..."
Why not? Why had that thought never occurred to me? Why had I never considered asking the One who made my body to heal it?
I think I've gotten so caught up with striving to trust God's sovereignty, that I just accept what happens and go on with life. Well, why shouldn't I ask God to heal me?? Just because I can't physically touch Christ, does not mean that He's unable to heal me. Maybe I've come to a conclusion-however false-that God doesn't do miracles like that anymore....WRONG! My brother Nathan is walking proof that God stills performs miracles:)
Mark 9:23-24 " Jesus said to him, ' If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.' Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, 'Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!' "
I think that's where I find my heart, struggling to believe in the power of a God who has already done so much to prove His might. Knowing my faith should be stronger because of prayer He has answered and needs He has met. It's a harsh reality check, and a large slice of humble pie. I have not arrived. I have much to learn about my God....oh so much! I think the omnipotence of God is a theology recited, not necessarily practiced. I should believe it because I have seen it, so why don't I? Because He's not done teaching me, I'm not done learning, I don't fully comprehend His capabilities. Who am I kidding? Forget fully comprehending-I BARELY comprehend the depths of His power.
The specific passage escapes me, but I am looking forward to the day that His glory will be revealed. I will no longer be looking through a dark glass, the veil will be fully lifted from my understanding AND I SHALL SEE HIM AS HE IS! The thought makes me weep....someday I will understand, and rejoice in who God is. Perfectly; unadulterated worship, undistracted by my pride, or my stomach, or my tired feet, etc. Perfectly.
Eternally; I will enjoy Him forever and ever tire of him. Better than a crazy-awesome roller coaster with no waiting lines, it won't make me sick and the thrill will never leave:) Righteous!
"But until then, my heart will go on singing. Until then, with joy I'll carry on. Until the day my eyes behold that city, until the day God calls me home!"
And then the Holy Spirit started poking....." you've had this disease for six years....when have you ever asked Me to heal you? Do you think that I can't? When you were in the hospital, did you ask Me to heal you?"
"Never...Lord, I'm sure you could, if you wanted to....Well, no-I didn't..."
Why not? Why had that thought never occurred to me? Why had I never considered asking the One who made my body to heal it?
I think I've gotten so caught up with striving to trust God's sovereignty, that I just accept what happens and go on with life. Well, why shouldn't I ask God to heal me?? Just because I can't physically touch Christ, does not mean that He's unable to heal me. Maybe I've come to a conclusion-however false-that God doesn't do miracles like that anymore....WRONG! My brother Nathan is walking proof that God stills performs miracles:)
Mark 9:23-24 " Jesus said to him, ' If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.' Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, 'Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!' "
I think that's where I find my heart, struggling to believe in the power of a God who has already done so much to prove His might. Knowing my faith should be stronger because of prayer He has answered and needs He has met. It's a harsh reality check, and a large slice of humble pie. I have not arrived. I have much to learn about my God....oh so much! I think the omnipotence of God is a theology recited, not necessarily practiced. I should believe it because I have seen it, so why don't I? Because He's not done teaching me, I'm not done learning, I don't fully comprehend His capabilities. Who am I kidding? Forget fully comprehending-I BARELY comprehend the depths of His power.
The specific passage escapes me, but I am looking forward to the day that His glory will be revealed. I will no longer be looking through a dark glass, the veil will be fully lifted from my understanding AND I SHALL SEE HIM AS HE IS! The thought makes me weep....someday I will understand, and rejoice in who God is. Perfectly; unadulterated worship, undistracted by my pride, or my stomach, or my tired feet, etc. Perfectly.
Eternally; I will enjoy Him forever and ever tire of him. Better than a crazy-awesome roller coaster with no waiting lines, it won't make me sick and the thrill will never leave:) Righteous!
"But until then, my heart will go on singing. Until then, with joy I'll carry on. Until the day my eyes behold that city, until the day God calls me home!"
Friday, May 14, 2010
My heart is filled with thankfulness...
It's FRIDAY!! Yesterday was so productive compared to today, but I haven't felt as well today-I may have overdone it yesterday....BUT the guest list is done!! Guest lists for showers are done!! people have been contacted, and Theresa Bixby is happy:) I am thankful for people who want to bless me by organizing a shower for me, and I'm thankful that my half of the work is done! Again, the guest list is supposedly the toughest part of planning a wedding. The first couple days we were engaged were pretty awful. My parents were completely unaccustomed to large weddings ad were worried about feeding all the people that John and his family wanted to invite. John was eventually became frustrated with me for trying to please all sides, and I was ready to elope after being engaged for two days!! But God gave so much grace, and my in-laws were so sweet and encouraging, assuring me that about half the people we invited wouldn't even come,but they would most likely send a gift:)
As I think about the help they have been, I am so thankful for them! Mom Pachter has always made me feel so comfortable at family parties, she came and stayed with me in the hospital while John worked with my momma. She is probably one of the sweetest women I know. She is going to be a great mother-in-law. She's kind, thoughtful, helpful(but not intrusive), and has a unique sense of humor. I am always amazed at the things that this family jokes about...
Dad Pachter is a quiet man who can do ever so many things. I'd say he's the jack of all the trades my daddy doesn't do. He is ridiculously patient with Christmas lights, I was impressed to see him helping Mom Pachter with Christmas decorations, organizing linen trunks, etc. Those are things my daddy never had time to do, as he typically worked at least 2 jobs to keep the house warm and food on the table ( Northern living is EXPENSIVE!)
My daddy amazes me with the way he uses the talents God has given him. Daddy has been a General contractor, able to build a house from the foundation up, and everything in between. He has built and assembled automated machines. During the time he was in school for this, he was working a shift and a half on top of it. Travel time was about an hour, meaning he got about 3 hours of sleep every night....for 9 months. Did you know that a piece of paper is 3/1000ths of an inch thick? He can cut a piece of steel to 1/1000th of an inch thick. He's a master welder, a very capable auto mechanic (30+ years experience on buses, motorhomes, family cars and postal vehicles) He's a genius driveway plower, able to plan for an entire winter of falling snow in upstate NY, this takes some thinking. The snow just keeps coming, and eventually, the banks become solid and don't move. So then there is no place to put the new snow. Solution: begin the winter ( in October ) by plowing the driveway wide enough to land a commercial aircraft. By the end of winter (May) there will be just enough room for our van to make it down the driveway. Making the driveway so wide also cuts down on the number of times we kids ( me and my brother Randy )had to shovel before church ( once or twice in 2 hours instead of 5-6 times) My daddy built a small vehicle out of plywood with 2 small axles, 4 wheels and steering capabilities...at the age of 3! I do believe he could figure out anything.
My momma is a tough-as-nails-don't-give-me-any-attitude-jump-when-I-say-jump kind of woman. She taught us colors and pairs by teaching us to fold laundry, probably at 1&1/2 years. She taught me to read at the age of 4, reading from the KJV in Sunday school kind of reading. She taught me to clean a toilet, sweep a floor, make my bed properly, fold clothes correctly and perfectly, how to look for dirt and make it disappear, all before I was 7. She taught me to change a diaper, give a bottle, soothe a teething baby, how to check for a fever, how to potty train and how to discipline according to God's Word. She taught me how to teach, and to train the children I nannied for. She taught me to bake, and how to get a meal prepared and all hot at once ( I definitely need some practice on this one). She taught me to shop carefully, to get the best deals, and that name brands don't matter. She demonstrated how to decorate a home with a very limited budget, and how to use my daddy's money carefully. Cleaning is a consistent part of her daily routine, and my daddy has always appreciated coming home to a clean house.
But the most exciting things I have learned, I have learned from the Holy Spirit that indwells me. I have learned some of my weaknesses, and how to overcome them. I have learned humility ( still learning that one! ), and grace towards others. I have learned that only Christ satisfies me. This is perhaps the most important thing I have learned and understood, apart from the truths of the gospel. As much as I love family, and friends and the ones who care about me, nothing compares to the love of Christ for me. And no one deserves my devotion more than he does.To truly experience the joy and satisfaction that Christ brings leaves me searching the recesses of my mind for words to describe it....unusual for a person who loves words.
So what have I learned from John? I have learned what love is, and how to demonstrate it in a way he understands. I have learned to put his needs above my own-which has been really tough a few times. I have realized what a gift he is, and am starting to see how much he loves me, and I'm in awe. I'm unsure as to why God has given me this man. I know that he is not perfect, I have already seen many of his shortcomings, and will surely learn more as we continue counseling, and as we start life together-but I'm thankful. He loves God, and he loves me.
Sometimes I look around at all the work I've been doing to plan this wedding, and all that has yet to be done, and I think " Holy Crap! I'm actually getting married...for real?? Am I ready for this?" And sometimes I think I'm not, I'm selfish, I'm easily frustrated, I'm prideful-how can I possibly love someone more than myself? How can I possibly serve him, and help him serve others with my sin issues? No,I'm not ready! But then the Holy Spirit calms my heart, and reminds me of the work he has done in me through John. The love he demonstrates to me, and the help he gives me. And the truth is, that God has given me opportunities to be selfless and help John serve others, and to be a humble follower-and has given me the desire to honor Christ, and to honor John! Wow.....As crazy as the whole wedding planning process is, I'm ready. Ready to marry John, ready to start life. Ready to serve him, and serve others with him. Anxious to continue growing more like Christ as we grow together. God is good....He's so very, very good.
As I think about the help they have been, I am so thankful for them! Mom Pachter has always made me feel so comfortable at family parties, she came and stayed with me in the hospital while John worked with my momma. She is probably one of the sweetest women I know. She is going to be a great mother-in-law. She's kind, thoughtful, helpful(but not intrusive), and has a unique sense of humor. I am always amazed at the things that this family jokes about...
Dad Pachter is a quiet man who can do ever so many things. I'd say he's the jack of all the trades my daddy doesn't do. He is ridiculously patient with Christmas lights, I was impressed to see him helping Mom Pachter with Christmas decorations, organizing linen trunks, etc. Those are things my daddy never had time to do, as he typically worked at least 2 jobs to keep the house warm and food on the table ( Northern living is EXPENSIVE!)
My daddy amazes me with the way he uses the talents God has given him. Daddy has been a General contractor, able to build a house from the foundation up, and everything in between. He has built and assembled automated machines. During the time he was in school for this, he was working a shift and a half on top of it. Travel time was about an hour, meaning he got about 3 hours of sleep every night....for 9 months. Did you know that a piece of paper is 3/1000ths of an inch thick? He can cut a piece of steel to 1/1000th of an inch thick. He's a master welder, a very capable auto mechanic (30+ years experience on buses, motorhomes, family cars and postal vehicles) He's a genius driveway plower, able to plan for an entire winter of falling snow in upstate NY, this takes some thinking. The snow just keeps coming, and eventually, the banks become solid and don't move. So then there is no place to put the new snow. Solution: begin the winter ( in October ) by plowing the driveway wide enough to land a commercial aircraft. By the end of winter (May) there will be just enough room for our van to make it down the driveway. Making the driveway so wide also cuts down on the number of times we kids ( me and my brother Randy )had to shovel before church ( once or twice in 2 hours instead of 5-6 times) My daddy built a small vehicle out of plywood with 2 small axles, 4 wheels and steering capabilities...at the age of 3! I do believe he could figure out anything.
My momma is a tough-as-nails-don't-give-me-any-attitude-jump-when-I-say-jump kind of woman. She taught us colors and pairs by teaching us to fold laundry, probably at 1&1/2 years. She taught me to read at the age of 4, reading from the KJV in Sunday school kind of reading. She taught me to clean a toilet, sweep a floor, make my bed properly, fold clothes correctly and perfectly, how to look for dirt and make it disappear, all before I was 7. She taught me to change a diaper, give a bottle, soothe a teething baby, how to check for a fever, how to potty train and how to discipline according to God's Word. She taught me how to teach, and to train the children I nannied for. She taught me to bake, and how to get a meal prepared and all hot at once ( I definitely need some practice on this one). She taught me to shop carefully, to get the best deals, and that name brands don't matter. She demonstrated how to decorate a home with a very limited budget, and how to use my daddy's money carefully. Cleaning is a consistent part of her daily routine, and my daddy has always appreciated coming home to a clean house.
But the most exciting things I have learned, I have learned from the Holy Spirit that indwells me. I have learned some of my weaknesses, and how to overcome them. I have learned humility ( still learning that one! ), and grace towards others. I have learned that only Christ satisfies me. This is perhaps the most important thing I have learned and understood, apart from the truths of the gospel. As much as I love family, and friends and the ones who care about me, nothing compares to the love of Christ for me. And no one deserves my devotion more than he does.To truly experience the joy and satisfaction that Christ brings leaves me searching the recesses of my mind for words to describe it....unusual for a person who loves words.
So what have I learned from John? I have learned what love is, and how to demonstrate it in a way he understands. I have learned to put his needs above my own-which has been really tough a few times. I have realized what a gift he is, and am starting to see how much he loves me, and I'm in awe. I'm unsure as to why God has given me this man. I know that he is not perfect, I have already seen many of his shortcomings, and will surely learn more as we continue counseling, and as we start life together-but I'm thankful. He loves God, and he loves me.
Sometimes I look around at all the work I've been doing to plan this wedding, and all that has yet to be done, and I think " Holy Crap! I'm actually getting married...for real?? Am I ready for this?" And sometimes I think I'm not, I'm selfish, I'm easily frustrated, I'm prideful-how can I possibly love someone more than myself? How can I possibly serve him, and help him serve others with my sin issues? No,I'm not ready! But then the Holy Spirit calms my heart, and reminds me of the work he has done in me through John. The love he demonstrates to me, and the help he gives me. And the truth is, that God has given me opportunities to be selfless and help John serve others, and to be a humble follower-and has given me the desire to honor Christ, and to honor John! Wow.....As crazy as the whole wedding planning process is, I'm ready. Ready to marry John, ready to start life. Ready to serve him, and serve others with him. Anxious to continue growing more like Christ as we grow together. God is good....He's so very, very good.
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