The beginning of "Beyond"

Well. After a few more crazy changes, we had an amazing wedding. I was possibly the least stressed out bride I have ever heard of. My Momma was amazing, she took care of all the weird little details, and Momma Brown kept her sane. I was able to focus on getting my home ready, and pack for my honeymoon.
The Poconos were great-awesome weather! We were able to spend a day in Hershey, PA and a day and a half or so in Philly. Morning shopping in Reading Terminal included Old City Coffee, candy from an Amish candy shop, and five 8x10 prints of Center City for the entryway of our home.
Back to real life for a rude awakening on Tuesday morning August 11th. My pulmonary appointment involved pulmonary function tests, and waiting for nearly 3 hours to see the pulmonologist. After all of that, he told me that my lungs were functioning at less than 40%. He wanted to increase my Imuran ( the immune suppressant) and add a steroid to reduce the inflammation that was causing the scarring in my lungs. He proceeded to tell me that if the medication didn't make some kind of improvement in a few months' time, they would proceed to put me in touch with the Lung Transplant Center. I'm not sure how I processed all of that without crying. I was alone in the doctor's office,and his "bedside manner" left something to be desired.At that moment, my thoughts started racing, and didn't stop for days. My first thought was to call my Daddy, but I knew that if I called him, I would cry for sure. Being newly married, I felt it was probably necessary to talk to my husband first.
I thought of Lynette Chevalier all the way home. I cried most of the way there, and for a good while afterwards. This was not what I had planned for the first week home from my honeymoon. I did not plan to deal with issues like these-ever, much less the first year of our marriage. Truly it was a test of my faith in God's sovereignty. It's an ongoing test, that I'm not sure I'm passing. Why God is asking us to go through these trials? I'm not entirely sure how He's going to use this for my benefit, but as I've told a friend of mine-God has given us unique opportunities to see Him work. He's got a totally different plan for her and I. John and I aren't dealing with petty issues, or fighting over silly quirks. We're facing a very uncertain future, and potentially huge financial strain. It certainly makes little everyday annoyances look like laughing matter. Fortunately, neither of us are absorbed with selfish little things, nor do we hold on to things, letting them build til one of us blows up. God has been kind in that regard. And I don't mean to infer that He is UNkind to put us through this test, but I sure don't like it. He is kind to give me grace to handle it, but I would rather not need so much grace-and that's just pure honesty.
I waited til John got home from work to talk to him. We laid on our bed and cried together for a while, and then we prayed. He prayed that God would give us the strength to walk to path He has laid out for us, and I prayed that He would give me grace to walk it with joy. I want people to look at my response and see Christ. Some days the joy is hard to find, those are the days I vacillate between questioning God's sovereignty and kindness, and berating myself for thinking such things.
I got to talk to my Daddy finally, on our way to Life Group that night. I cried....just hearing his voice, and listening to him care for my spirit...I cried a lot. My heart is always encouraged to talk with him about stuff like this, and to have him reassure me that, no matter what, he will be there, and he will be lifting me up in prayer.
It took a few minutes for me to calm myself enough to walk into Peter's house for Life Group.I hadn't necessarily wanted to be around people, but I NEEDED to be cared for. I needed to be with these loved ones. The music Ethan had chosen, and the passages we read were like a soothing salve for my burning, achy soul. John and I were in tears again within minutes. We took an opportunity to share with our group what we had learned and receive prayer and encouragement from our beloved brothers and sisters. I'm not sure they will ever know how much they blessed us that night-even as we stayed til the wee hours with Brianne, talking through things that she was dealing with. To be able to reciprocate the care we had received was so sweet.
So what now? I don't know really. I don't feel any different, but the increased dosage of medication makes me a bit more easily fatigued. I start training at Level One on Monday, Sept. 27th. I pray God gives me the strength to put in the hours required. I lost full sponsorship,as John makes too much money for me to be fully covered. So I'm down to 75%, which is still a blessing, but also rather expensive. God allowed us to sell John's motorcycle, and we received and excess in financial aid from John's masters program. So we will have about $3500 in savings for medical purposes....Sounds good, but that will be used up quickly. So we pray. We trust God to provide, and we pray that the medicine works, so I don't have to have a lung transplant at the age of 23.
And still I struggle with being content. I don't want to plan a family right now, but it bothers me to not know if my body will ever be able to handle it. It bothers me to not know when we can start planning to have a family. Who knows how long I'll have to be on some of these medications? Who knows what my next battery of pulmonary tests will reveal? God knows, and that should bring me comfort, right? Well, I'll be honest.....it usually doesn't. So until He reveals the next step, I will preach truth furiously to myself. I will sing truth, and read truth, and seek to hear truth from others, and ask for faith to believe truth.
"God's purposes will ripen fast, unfolding every hour;
the bud may have a bitter taste, but sweet will be the flow'r"