Grace in Conviction

So God knew what I needed this weekend-doesn't he always? Doesn't He know my heart best? Better even than I do? Yes, I think so.

 I had a wonderful saturday with my husband, talking through some things, but mostly just enjoying time together. We found our "fine china" pattern. It's called Liberty Blue by Staffordshire. It was created by an English company for America's bicentennial celebration.... I think it's hilarious. We started by buying 12 plates, and thought we'd add little by little. Well, my funny husband googled
 it and found a 61 peice set on ebay for a decent price, so we offered less than the posted price, and the seller accepted it. HA! And since then he's found a bunch of other pieces, like platter, vegetable bowl, pitcher, salt n' pepper shakers, and gravy boat with stand. and he just won a bid war on a creamer to match the sugar bowl we're hoping to buy at an antique store nearby. I though it would be one of those things that we would add to here and there, but he got so excited with the items we found...he likes to buy me things:) Here are a few pictures of some of the things we're getting:

This is the Minutemen's Call to Arms platter.

Betsy Ross fruit bowls

The dinner plate is nearly my favorite: Independance Hall in Philadelphia:)

The gravy boat: Lafayette's Landing at West Point

The stand: Governer's house at Williamsburg

There's the creamer that John won in a bidding war, and the sugar bowl I hope to buy tomorrow.

The teapot will come later, it's one of the more expensive and sought-after items.

So there it is:) I've always loved blue and white china, but this has significance to us-as we are both Americans. The first pieces we bought were the dinner plates with Independence Hall, and Philadelphia is the place that we long to call "home".

Sunday was one of those days. God had been working on me all week, and I was tired, drained of almost all joy. I went to the main church service instead of staying in the innercity service with John. It was communion sunday; our pastor was teaching in innercity, so our pastor/elder for music was teaching. He was so direct with what we were doing, explaining the process and purpose of communion clearly for visitors...the music was phenomenal. We sang "Jesus paid it all", "How deep the Father's love", and "Beneath the Cross" by Keith and Kristyn Getty. The last phrase of that song is "Beneath the cross of Jesus, we will gladly live our lives". And I just had to be real with God, considering what I was about to partake in. "God,I've not been gladly living my life beneath the cross...I feel like I'm standing with my back to it, trying to work my way down Calvary's hill. Bring me back to the cross, Father-bring me back to the gospel!" And God knows, and understands my struggle. As my friend Joybeth McCarnan reminded me, "he made me, he knows I am just dust. He knows I'm going to question him."

I claimed the blood of Jesus to wash away my fear and doubt and sin. Pastor Coleman read from Galatians 2:15-3:15. He taught from the first five verses of Galatians three. The Galatians were being given a hard time from the religious leaders, who were telling them that faith in the gospel wasn't enough, that they had to be circumcised. And Paul asks a couple of rhetorical questions, namely " Were you saved by hearing and faith or by works of the law?? If you were saved by hearing and faith, what's helping you continue? The truth of the gospel, or works of the law?" Pastor Coleman reminded us that we never move on from the gospel; it saved us(justification), and is saving us(sanctification), and will save us(glorification). He also cautioned us against adding to the gospel. We were save by grace alone, through faith alone, because of the life giving work of Jesus alone.

I don't think that I have any issues with adding to the gospel;lately I just haven't had (or made) the time or energy to dwell on anything. I get up and exercise because it's good for me, I go to work and come home to eat, spend some time with John and go to bed. I'm existing. 

I know all the right things to say to make people think I'm doing well, that I'm trusting and content...I'm not. The "longing for Jesus and delighting in the gospel" part of my life is missing.

Am I being too real? I'm not intending to make anyone uncomfortable..well, yes actually-I am. I may not have it all wrapped up, but neither am I so prideful as to think I'm the only one who feels this way. So what do we do? We claim his promises.
Tenth Avenue North:By Your Side
Why are you striving these days?

Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face,
Just don't turn away.

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run,
To where will you run?

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

Jesus, lover of my soul, break my stubborn heart, and draw me close. You promise that when I seek you with my whole heart, I will find you. I know what you have done, and I believe-Lord, help my unbelief. Teach me to be content in this situation you have me in. You word says that your plans for me are meant for my good and for your glory. When it is time, please show me the good, until then , help me trust the one who knows all things....
Sovereign Grace:Behold Our God
Who has held the oceans in His hand

Who has numbered every grain of sand
Kings and nations tremble at His voice
All creation rises to rejoice
CHORUS

Behold our God seated on His throne
Come let us adore Him
Behold our King nothing can compare
Come let us adore Him!

Who has given counsel to the Lord
Who can question any of His Words
Who can teach the One who knows all things
Who can fathom all His wondrous deeds

Who has felt the nails upon His hands
Bearing all the guilt of sinful man
God eternal humbled to the grave
Jesus, Savior risen now to reign!

You will reign forever!
Let Your glory fill the earth

Grace for Every Need

*I really should be more consistent with blogging; a lot happens in eight months time, and the necessity of updating before delving into my thoughts is a daunting task......


That visit with Dr. Curran yielded only discouragement as he revealed that my lungs were so badly scarred that I have retained only some 37% of function. He also told me that having children of my own was a terrible idea, and I shouldn't even consider it. BUT he wanted to me to see a specialist at Duke University Medical Center for a second opinion. I was thankful for his humility in acknowledging that he does not know everything about Interstitial Lung disease, and that if her were in the situation, his wife would go to DUMC too.

My husband learned a tough lesson that day; he learned how to "not fix it". He learned that when my heart is breaking and I'm overwhelmed, that I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to be hugged or held- "Don't be nice to me, or I'll cry!" I just need to think about other things and let Jesus steal in and remind me of who He is...and what he's done for me....and in me...He's the Lover of my soul, and I need him to fix it first. Tough for a guy, but he's an excellant student.
Needless to say we needed that trip to Philly.



Let me pause and just say- "Grace Bible Church is the dearest place on earth", and "my God truly does give me good gifts!"
I have never felt more cared for, more loved, than I have with the believers in Philadelphia. There is something about people coming along side of you, wrapping their arms around you and praying aloud for you-like it's the most natural response in the world-and in this city, amongst this body of believers, it is! And they didn't sit there and pity me; they mourned with me over my broken dreams, and then they pointed me to Jesus! They reminded me of who God is, and how he has demonstrated His love for me already! And we rejoiced together in this glorious truth:) My night of weeping was over, and hope had come with the dawn....
It was at this time that John and I started to long for this place to be our home. We had desired it already, but we began to long for this city, this culture, this body of believers to be our own. And we began to pray...


My first appointment with Dr Eric Meltzer in pulmonology at DUMC was like.....a rebirth of all my hopes and dreams.The first doctor I had met that was optimistic about my desire to have children. After reviewing my latest ct scan, he informed me that my lungs were full of cysts ( sounds awful, but hang on! ), and that they called it a "honeycomb effect". Basically, my scarred lung tissue formed into cysts after a long period of time. This was good news because- it meant that my scarring was old:) It hadn't occurred in the last year during my apparent "flare-up" of scleroderma. It had probably happened a number of years ago, and there didn't appear to be any danger of further scarring, now that my condition is stable. He also said that I appear to have plenty of reserve, and youth is on my side. He didn't see any reason why I shouldn't have children of my own. "But, let's schedule an appoinment with Dr Megan Clowse in rheumatology". Her clinical interest is women with rheumatological diseases and pregnancy. The appoinment was set for three months later, along with a follow-up visit with him. We went home and enjoyed an emotional high for a couple of months.


Three months later, Dr Clowse orders another echocardiogram ( as previously stated-not my favorite test! ) and a barrage of bloodwork to determine my risk for pulmonary hypertension. This one echo didn't hurt, and I was told that my body structure allowed some of the clearest pictures they had ever seen. No discomfort, no bruising. * This did nothing for my confidence in the skill of Greenville's technicians* Dr Clowse was less optimistic about my chance for a pregnancy, given the fact that my bloodwork showed this "double stranded DNA" which apparently infers Lupus. However my "symtoms are more scleroderma-ey than lupus-ey" and she wanted to see the results of my latest bloowork and confer with Dr Meltzer, the pulmonologist. She was also very..uuhm...direct about life expectancy with someone with my disease. So we went home and battled through an emotional valley for a couple of weeks.


I got a call from Dr. Meltzer who had conferred with Dr. Clowse. After reviewing all the bloodwork and my echo, they determined that my condition didn't not appear to be active lupus(though the bloodwork inferred it), and that my echo showed no signs of stress on my heart, and that all was functioning well. Once again, all systems were a go for Project Baby-however....we had informed him that we would be pursuing a move to Philadelphia by summertime, and he recommended we wait to see what would happen with that before getting pregnant, as I would need to be closely followed by all of my various specialists during a pregnancy, including someone in maternal-fetal medicine( high-risk OB, but with more training for special cases). This had already been our plan, so we changed direction to Operation Philly-step one;apply for pa teaching license.

In order to do this we first needed to get John's certificate here updated to reflect his newly acquired Master's degree...which meant lots of paperwork, filing fees, and waiting. Once that was done, we sent all of JOhn's transcripts, copies of his newly updated teaching certificate, more forms and filing fees to the PA board of Education and--yes you guessed it--waited.....Certification granted, we moved on to phase two of Operation Philly...telling our families.

Yikes!

John thought it would be best to wait until after the holidays were over, and as the time approached we were more and more anxious to tell them and get it over with. We weren't sure what the reaction would be, but prayed that God would prepare their hearts to hear the news. The general concensus was that as much as they would prefer us to stay in Greenville, they would never try to dissuade us from following God's will for our lives.

Phew!

Phase three of Operation Philly includes setting up interviews and meeting principals of charter/public schools. John is working with a friend of ours in Philly, Bobo Beck, to get a contact list and make a plan of attack, as it were:) We're so thankful for Bo and his helpful advice, and for those who know our hearts' desire and are praying for God's will to be done in our lives.


A couple of weeks ago I went to my rheumy here in G-vegas for standard bloodwork and semi-annual checkup. She casually announced ( with no eye contact ) that my bloodwork is showing active Lupus and she hiked my immune suppressant level back up from 75 mgs to 100 mgs. Back to that valley we went...for a Wile. But I started thinking about what she mentioned about the bloodwork, and am nearly certain she saw the same things that Dr Clowse and Dr Meltzer already confirmed. I'm getting copies of the bloodwork results mailed to me so I can double check with Dr Clowse.

As John has said, it wouldn't be so bad to be in a valley if we just stayed there and dealt with it. But to ride up and down on this emotional roller coaster is exhausting.....So I guess it's a good thing that God is the source of our strength.


There, I think that is a sufficient enough update:) Moving on....


I think that John and I have both really sturggled with the "why me?" comlex in the last few months. John has been relatively silent on the whole thing, but he mentioned something at Life Group tonight that showed me that I'm not alone in this struggle. As I work at a job that I don't particularly care about, I wonder what God is up to. This is not what I wanted. I didn't think it would be part of his plan for me. I felt sure that he had a couple kids for me to love, teach, nurture,shepherd...after all, this is what I have longed for since I was a child myself.

There aren't a lot of things I feel like I'm particularly good at...One reason I don't blog often is because I don't feel that I'm particularly eloquent. At the very least, there's nothing artistic about the way I describe, well, anything. I don't draw or paint; I sing because I like to, not because I'm particularly good at it, I like to clean-but that's not really a gift, more like a freakish obsession(thanks Momma)...I love children. I love talking with them, playing with them, training them..it's one thing I feel that I'm good at doing. So why hasn't God given us a child? My husband is ready, longing for a child as much as I am. He'll be a great daddy.....

Tonight we had Life Group at our house for the first time in a long time. and we must've missed a great message sunday night. One thing that our group was struck by, is our incorrect view of God. We've been working through the book of Matthew, and we got to the parable of the laborers in the master's field. We often look at what God has given others, and feel that we've been jipped. That God has given more to someone who didn't deserve it, or at the very least, didn't want it as badly as we did.


And we were reminded of what it is that we deserve.
Death
Hell
Eternal separation from God


And what have I been given?
Life
Heaven
The righteousness of Jesus
Eternity with God
Joy
Peace
An amazing inheritance
The body of believers:)
The Word
Direct access to the throne of grace


I forget so easily what I truly deserve. I forget so easily what I've been given. And I forget so easily the promises he has made: " 'I know the plans I have for you', declares the LORD 'plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope' " Jeremiah 29:11 But verses 12 and 13 are equally sweet: " 'Then you will call upon me, and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all of your heart.' " Wow...

I have a wrong view of God. I try to God down to my level when I compare what I have to what I desire. "God is not subject to fallen notions of fairness, besides when it comes to God's glory, most could care less." -Shai Linne


God chose to give me what I could not obtain for myself. How can I look at Jesus and say "yeah that was great, but I'd really like this"? I do. This is exactly what I do. Tonight we discussed our "spiritual blinders". The caution against comparing ourselves with brothers and sisters in Christ as Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 10, saying that the only thing we can boast in is what Christ has done. Paul goes on to talk about all that he has suffered, that he of all people would have reason to boast-and in chapter 12 he talks about his thorn in the flesh. I can just see Paul pleading with God to remove it, and the Father looking down on him, with the same love that redeemed his soul, and telling him "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.". Later he tells the church in Philippi that he has learned to be content in whatever situation he was in, and that he could do "all things through him who gives me strength". That power, made perfect in weakness, enables me to do all that God requires.
Is he trying to teach me to be content? Content to be a working wife with no children? Content to be in Greenville right now? This one gives me trouble. It seems that the more that I pray for God to make me content here until/if he moves us to Philadelphia, the more that I desire to be there.

I also think that I struggle to remember who I am in Christ. I know most people-men or women-struggle with this. Finding their purpose, finding what makes them stand out among others. What am I known for? Why would God be interested in anything I have to offer him? What do I have to offer him?


Nothing.


And that's the point. That was his idea all along. I have nothing to offer. I am just as sinful as anyone else, I have nothing in me that God would want. And that's when he redeemed me. God came to rescue sinners. And that's exactly what I am. Dead even, in my sins. And you know what dead people do?


Nothing.


"My Lord, I did not choose you; for that could never be. My heart would still refuse you, had you not chosen me. You took the sin that stained me; You cleansed me, made me new. Of old you have ordained me, that I should live in you. Jesus, you have saved me and taken all my sins, all my sins away. Jesus you have called me, before the world began, to glorify your name. I was without hope and dead inside, but you chose to save my life."


He didn't just save my life I got the righteousness of Jesus through imputation( "God takes Jesus' righteousness amount, through faith he credits it to the christian's account" Shai Linne). So when God looks at my credit score, he sees Jesus and all of his righteousness.
So what do I have to offer God?
I have the righteousness of Jesus (which is complete, full, perfect, and absolute, because He is God).
Who am I?
I am a child of God and joint heir with Christ. I get all of the benefits of being God's child, and none of the punishment I deserve for being a sinner.

My identity is in Christ. He is what defines me. Not how many children I have. Not the children that I don't have. Not the town I live in, or the job that I have, or the man I married.

I want to preach this truth to myself every day. I want to rejoice and believe this truth every day. I want to desire God's word, and love it more than any material thing.


But I do not.


"Here I am;
One more day of not loving Him the way He asks,
In fact my heart is singing praise to the things
That make me feel all right.
So I'm sinking fast like a stone heart should,
And on the way down, I've done what I could
To try and turn this stone to flesh.


I'm haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask of me
What, by my nature, I cannot give
So I beg for for you to move,
I beg for you to move,
I beg for you to break through


So here I am,
Got my deeds for the day
And all my cute little words
About how I am saved.
Am I saved?
Could I love you with my mouth
Like a church kid should?
At the end of the day,
My words get burned as wood.
Oh, but I was good.

These songs are noise in your ears
A clanging drum
You want my love.


I'm haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask of me
What, by my nature I cannot give.
So I beg for you to move,
I beg for you to move,
I beg for you to break through."

-Shane and Shane.