Grace in Conviction:The Sequel..

I believe it stands to reason that, since God made me, He knows exactly how to get my attention; He seems to know exactly what language to use when speaking in that still small voice....for me, it is the language of music. This can be a dangerous thing, as I listen to my iPod every day on my way to work, and home again. And sometimes when God chooses to speak, His words hurts as they prick my pride and reveal my sin. Sometimes His words comfort my hurting heart, and reiterate promises He has made. Either way, it usually makes me cry....while I'm driving, IE, dangerous:)

It was the painful kind of words I heard yesterday on my way to work;I was listening to Rush of Fools, and the first, oh probably six, songs were all meant for me. I'd like to share them with you, and I hope that, for those who are listening, God's words rebuke and comfort you as they did me.

Undo:

I've been here before
Now, here I am again
Standing at the door
Praying You'll let me back in
To label me
A prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface
Of who I've been known to be

Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one
Who can undo what I've become

I focused on the score
But I could never win
Trying to ignore
A life of hiding my sin
To label me
A hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface
Of who I've been known to be

Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one
Who can undo what I've become

Make every step lead me back to
The sovereign way that You

Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
You are the only one who can undo
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

"What I've become"...more like "what I've always been". Because of grace, I'm not a slave to my sin, but I'm still very much prone to sin. Hypocrite? Prodigal? Absolutely. I've been fighting to have my own way for months, while smiling to the world and shouting "thy will be done". As stated in my previous post, I haven't been gladly living my life Beneath the Cross of Jesus, I feel like I've been standing with my back to the cross, trying to climb down Calvary's hill. So the chorus spoke loudly and clearly.


Fame:
I have tried to follow, I have tried to lead
I have failed at everything
I have been the culprit to my selfish needs,
made everything but You my King
I couldn't be any less worthy
To spend one day much less forever with You
I raise my hands just as I am,
I'm letting go of false control
I lift my voice, I have no choice
My life is Yours, use me for Your fame, Your fame
 
I have not seen heaven,
I haven't seen Your face
But I've seen Your Spirit move
And Jesus it's amazing 
the evidence of grace standing all around this room
I'm merely a product of mercy
The target and victim of Your perfect love

I  raise my hands just as I am,
I'm letting go of false control
I lift my voice, I have no choice
My life is Yours, use me for Your fame, spreading like a flame

Let every breath proclaim glory to Your name
You can't be contained and I'll never be the same


Yeah, that false control thing...The idea of surrendering my will---again. How many times to I have to give my heart back to God before I stop trying to be in control. When am I gonna learn to trust that He knows better than I do?

Peace Be Still:
 Come to me, you who are weak
Let my strength be yours tonight
Come and rest, let my love be your bed
Let my heart be yours tonight

Peace be still, Peace be still
Please be still and know that I am God
And know that I am God

Come empty cup, let me fill you up
I'll descend on you like a dove tonight
Lift your head, let your eyes fall into mine
Let your fear subside tonight


Now that small voice is speaking words of comfort, and I cry again, knowing I am unworthy of such love. But it's always been that way. He knew I would be unworthy when Jesus came to save me. Jesus died for sinners, of which I am chief. Lest I get carried away and post lyrics from the whole cd-I'll just say that the rest of the album is made up of songs about who we are, and who our God is, surrendering our will, and letting Him be God. I am encouraged and convicted every time I listen to this cd, but especially so lately, given the present state of my heart. Restoration is a process; it's hard to see my sin and realize it must change, it's harder when I see how deep-seeded it is, and how unaware I've been to it's existence. And once the sin has been confessed there's the struggle to remember that the sin has been paid for, and my standing with God is based on what Jesus has already done, not on my performance. 

But yet, there has to be some growth, right? Some evidence that my heart is changing? I think this is the phase I'm stuck in...desiring God, and surrendering consistently. It's very easy for me to slip back into my former frame of mind; the "But Lord, I really want THIS instead of what You're giving me" attitude, especially with pictures of sweet newborn babies all over Facebook...In fact, just this morning I was faced with this struggle. Then I saw a Tweet from my pastor in Philadelphia, Ian McConnell: "Pile drive your temptations by telling your heart 'God is better!!" I needed to read that exactly at that moment. I'm still struggling a little to believe it. Maybe I need a Facebook hiatus 'til I do....I'll ponder that.